[ Click above to embiggen…which, oddly enough, is the sort of thing one can easily imagine the current US president saying to a guy in the back of a limo ]
Yesterday, the Chicago Tribune ran a rather strange story documenting a “historic marker” that was recently installed at the Dorchester Commons Shopping Center in the Hyde Park area of Chicago to commemorate the spot where Barack and Michelle Obama allegedly shared “their first kiss”. According to the article, the current US president later claimed his future wife “tasted like chocolate”. No doubt if David Bowie ever said something like that about his wife Iman, he’d be pilloried as the most racist of racists ever.
My good friend Megan Fox and I have decided to launch a grassroots campaign for a series of similar “historic markers” that we think should be installed around Chicagoland, commemorating other kisses Barack Obama had with additional people in his life…people such as Larry Sinclair, the man that Barack Obama had a wild sexual romp with back when he was still an Illinois state senator.
Mid-America Asset Management owns that shopping center in Hyde Park where the first Obama “historic marker” was installed so we’ll probably ask them how they went about doing that. No doubt they have a bigger budget than HillBuzz & Mrs. Fox, but Megan’s two daughters have agreed to lend us some of their construction paper, Disney princess stickers, and glitter so perhaps we’ll have a Craft Day and make “historic markers” (using Crayola markers) to commemorate the exact spot in Gurnee, Illinois “where Barry met Larry” and the two began their two-day, gay sexual affair. I sense a glitter bomb in our immediate future.
I also think there needs to be a “historic marker” affixed to Man’s Country Bathhouse up in the Andersonville neighborhood of Chicago, as well — since Barack Obama frequented this men-only sexual hotspot in the late 90s up until January of 2004 when he embarked on his campaign for the United States Senate. Apparently, he went there most often on Wednesdays. If you spend any time in the seedier gay bars of Chicago, where the older guys tend to hang out who were around in the scene back when Obama was cruising and they still had relatively healthy livers, you’ll hear them refer to the little rooms at Man’s Country as “presidential suites”, presumably because the current US president used to allow old, white men to perform sexual acts on him there (the “Oral Offices” is another popular riff on this theme). Though, maybe they’re really saying “sweets” and Obama just went to Man’s Country to reverse-trick-or-treat and give away candy there to the towel-clad or nude patrons (which could be an obscure tradition in Indonesia similar to eating dogs, which Obama described in one of those books he had ghostwritten back in the day).
The East Bank Club in downtown Chicago needs a “historic marker” of its own because that’s where Obama used to hook up with affluent, older, white men in the steam room as late as June of 2008 when he was running for the presidency. It appears he achieved commemorative-plaque-worthy activities there on June 29th, 2008 (the day of the Chicago Pride Parade, which Obama refused to march in) when he was supposedly playing basketball there and “having a steam” before heading over to Hyde Park to get his hair done. That’s seriously what his official schedule was for that last Sunday in June of 2008 instead of participating in the largest LGBTQAI event in the Midwest (though neither the media nor the “gay community” has ever said boo about this slight). And ladies, if your husband ever puts on his schedule that he’s “having a steam” you better be similarly “having yourself a reality check” lest you want some commemorative plaques in your own future.
Plaques should probably go up in the places where Barack Obama first kissed Reggie Love (his “body man”), Nick Colwin (a former “body man”), Alex Okrent (who mysteriously died in July and whose “autopsy was inconclusive”), and Kal Penn (who left his TV show “House” to move to DC and work in the White House in a position Obama had personally created just for him).
If you have any ideas about where other Obama “historic markers” should go, please chime in below and if there’s enough construction paper and glitter we’ll probably get to them too.
Newsweek outed Barack Obama as the first gay president earlier this year and since precedent has now been set that “historic markers” are required for the spots where Obama first kissed various people, gender equality requires that we mark not only the places where he allegedly kissed females but where he also first locked lips with assorted men.
If Obama claims his wife “tasted like chocolate” and that’s important information to put on a plaque in Hyde Park then we as a nation need to find out what Larry Sinclair tasted like to Obama in Gurnee, Illinois so we can put that on a commemorative plaque too.
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about Larry that makes me think he’d taste like raspberries. Can’t wait for Obama’s first post-presidential book to come out so I can be sure.
© 2012, Kevin DuJan. All rights reserved.
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