Penn State Sex Scandal: Does Being Abused Turn A Boy Gay Later In Life?
Dear HillBuzz,
Your coverage of the Penn State child-rape scandal got me to thinking. I wanted to ask you this here, but I don’t want to offend you or anyone and I don’t want to seem insensitive. I really want to know the answer to this and couldn’t think whom else to ask, so I am asking you and hope you take no offense.
Do you believe that some of these boys who were raped under coach Joe Paterno’s watch at Penn State will grow up to be gay because of what happened to them?
Have you found this to be a common pivot point among your friends in Boystown?
Have you ever known anyone who was abused sexually who was turned gay by the experience?
I hope this does not come across as judgmental. I honestly want to know if this kind of traumatic abuse causes one to become gay. You know that my son Robbie is gay and he had no abuse in his past, but I wonder if a boy who would have grown up straight could have been altered by an abuse experience that then turned him gay.
Sincerely,
Patricia Melton
Mineral City, Ohio
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Dear Patricia,
First off, for readers who don’t know you, I want to mention that you’ve been a good friend of mine and and adopted “auntie” for over a decade now. Both your son and daughter are friends of mine and there’s nothing on Earth you could ever ask me about the gay community that would offend me. I am sure you are not the only person out there wondering about the impact of sexual abuse on the boys who were raped at Penn State on “Joe Papa’s” watch.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that what follows is my own anecdotal experience from the guys I know here in Boystown and that I am not a psychologist and don’t presume to be, of the armchair variety or any other sort. You asked for my opinion and I will give it to you. No doubt, actual psychologists will come across this letter and will respond in the comments below with their own clinical opinions…I not only welcome that, but encourage it.
I’m gay but I never had any sort of sexual abuse in my past. So, I can only speak from the experience of a gay man who had a great childhood and who never had any sort of sexual experience at all until I was over 18 years of age and was in college. So, I am very lucky to have never had a bad experience that could have altered my development. I honestly believe I was always gay and can think back to a very early age when I realized that other guys fascinated and intrigued me in a way that girls never did and still don’t. I believe my brain has always been wired to be gay and that absent some sort of biochemical change in that wiring I will always be gay. There have been times in my life when I desperately wanted this NOT to be the case, since guys can be real jerks to deal with and I thought liking women romantically would have made everything so much easier for me.
I happen to be with a great guy named Justin now, who’s been in my life for almost a full year now. We live together now and are planning a future together and I can’t imagine him not being in my life so long as the two of us are alive. And after that, ghost-Justin will have to deal with ghost-me for a long time after that, I presume. I’m very happy my brain’s wiring is the way that it is because I’ve got a great adventure buddy in Justin who loves me and the political and other mysteries I’m constantly involved in. I am a lucky guy and know it and can’t picture things being any better for me at this stage in my life if I was straight.
But, I know a lot of guys in Boystown who aren’t this lucky and who did survive abuse in their past. I would never betray their friendship by going into it here, but the guys who experienced sexual abuse when they were younger do not feel that the abuse made them gay.
In fact, they believe the sexual predators who came after them picked up on them being gay (even at that young of an age) and then victimized them because of it.
Think of it like this: rapists like that Penn State coach are land sharks who can detect the homosexual tendencies in young boys the way sharks in the ocean pick up hidden clues in the water that prey is nearby, and the predators are then drawn to the prey they believe is the easiest to catch.
You might find this controversial, but I believe there are clues to a person being gay that you can indeed pick up on if you are attuned to them. In the majority of cases you can tell if a boy is gay by looking at his eyes and watching his behavior. I have no idea if this is true for lesbians and I don’t want to speculate, because I have absolutely no ability to tell if a woman is a lesbian…but I have never been wrong about guessing if a man is gay. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and detect it in his mannerisms…no matter how hard he tries to conceal who he really is.
It’s not magical Gaydar…but just the observation of the secret behind the eyes that is bursting to get out, and the nervousness that comes from constantly trying to hide who he is inside…even at a very young age when boys as young as 5 or 6 clearly realize they act and think a little differently from the boys around them and start doing their best to fit in and tamp down those mannerisms.
It’s my opinion, based on the stories I’ve heard and everything I’ve read and observed on the subject, that sexual predators clearly detect the signs of a young boy being gay and in many cases decide those boys will be the victims. If you ever want to watch a good movie with this them, rent DOUBT (starring Amy Adams, Meryl Streep, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman). The mother in that movie (Viola Davis) realizes her son is gay and takes an odd stance towards him being abused.
Not all boys who are abused by people like the coach at Penn State grow up to be gay, but I bet there is a disproportionate number of gay boys who end up being abused because the predators detect them and choose them for victims…perhaps figuring these boys are the least likely to tell anyone about the abuse (for fear of outing themselves), or maybe that the boys would enjoy what’s happening and not want to tell.
I will tell you this: when boys who are abused sexually grow into men, they are much more likely to be promiscuous and become addicted to smoking, drinking, and using drugs.
Writing this response to you, I sat down with Justin and between the two of us we came up with about 35 guys we know in Boystown who have told one of us that they were abused in some way as boys. There is a clear trend in all of these men:
* almost all of them are the kind of guys who go to bathhouses, have unprotected sex (“barebacking” in gay terms), cheat on their boyfriends, have very short or nonexistent relationships, and sleep with strangers on a regular basis
* these guys all drink heavily and the majority of them smoke at least a pack a day
* they all do drugs
* these guys burn through their paychecks with reckless abandon and don’t seem to think much about the future
* MOST, but not all, of these guys end up having a fetish for older men…and tend to gravitate towards guys who are the age their abusers were when the rapes happened. For instance, one guy who’s grandfather abused him still has a thing for Santa Claus types. A lot of the guys who were abused get into the kink and leather scene too, where a lot of these older guys also troll for sex. A small percentage of the guys who were abused as kids end up wanting to be the older person in the relationship who is paired up with a young “twink” guy.
* An interesting note on the above: there does come a time when a lot of these guys switch. For instance, if a guy was abused by someone in his 40s, like a dad or an uncle or something growing up, then that guy was interested in sex with guys who were in their 40s UNTIL that guy aged out and became 40-something himself. Then, those guys “switch” and instead of wanting to be with guys in their 40s, they instead relate to the abuser and suddenly want to start chasing young 18 year old twinks so that they continue that age difference in their sexcapades. I think this is because those experiences imprinted on them and haunt their lives into adulthood.
In short, these survivors of abuse have grown up to be the “Lost Boys” and “Misfit Toys” of Boystown. They are the first to strip down to their briefs for the “Pants Off Dance Off” parties at Scarlet; they’re the ones who drink so much they get bounced out of Roscoe’s; they’re the guys trying to score ecstasy or whatever at Hydrate; they’re the ones keeping Steamworks and Man’s Country in business.
“Damaged” is a good word for them.
No amount of therapy seems to help. There is never enough booze, weed, or blow to keep them happy. No matter how many naked men pass over their sheets, the sex isn’t enough to fulfill them. They are sad, broken, and lost. If they had enough money, there’s no doubt in my mind every one of them would be eccentric recluses like Michael Jackson was, playing with toys and trying to be young and carefree while on stimulants because when they’re sober they are depressed and quite hateful of themselves.
They reside permanently on the dark side of Boystown’s rainbow and many of them are not destined for long in this world.
I reiterate that this is just my observation, with Justin’s opinions tossed in as well. Take it all as anecdotal, but from two guys who pay a lot of attention to this stuff. Ask Robbie what he thinks and check with Ann Louise in New York, but I bet they will tell you that the gay guys they know who behave this way probably have abuse in their pasts as well.
So, the quick answer to your question ends up being that No, I don’t believe the boys raped by the Penn State coach will end up being gay later in life if they were not already gay to begin with. However, the boys who were gay already will grow up to be very messed up “Lost Boys/Misfit Toys” later in life unless someone, somewhere helps them avoid that. I have to conjecture here, but I bet the straight guys who are abused end up becoming alcoholics, drug and sex addicts, and troubled their adult lives too. I just can’t imagine this trauma would not permanently affect them like that.
If anyone reading this thinks I’m way off in my assessment, I want to hear from you below. But, this is the conclusion I’ve come to after six years of living in Boystown and being part of the gay community at large for 17+ years now.
Hope that helped,
KD, Chicago IL, 11/11/11
© 2011, Kevin DuJan. All rights reserved.
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All I know is that if your child is molested by a predator and you then deny comfort, love and support is the same as saying that your child is to blame for what happened. Get that child the help they need to cope with what happened. Do not brush it under the table. Allow for the grieving of the loss of innocence. Too often children end up mixed up and then messed up on drugs because of being molested and wanting to push back those feelings which then leads to further preying upon which leads to further rejection by the family.
Love your child, whether they come to you or through you, unconditionally with a whole heart. That is the best thing you can ever do. There are no second chances at a good childhood.
Very interesting article. I take slight issue with one thing though. I suspect that these abusers are not so much looking for some signs the child may be gay or gay-leaning but rather they seek a child who seems generally weak and with low self-esteem. The type that are quiet, seem to react passively to authority and generally don't have a strong sense of self or self-worth. These ones I think are the easy prey and are probably in far more abundance.
As noted in the above response to Patricia, I’m not a psychologist…BUT…I think what you said about the kids with low self-esteem and who are weak could very well describe kids who are gay but not accepting of it or aware of it yet. There are other kids who fit your description too who are not gay, but I bet most gay kids fit into that description.
So, I take your comment and realize that there are indeed kids OTHER than gay kids that the predators seek out. Those are the boys who are straight that get victimized whom I believe grow up to be straight men who have all sorts of issues from it. But I don’t believe those straight kids with the self-esteem issues end up being gay.
As always, I would love to hear from anyone reading this who is in the psychology profession who could shed more light on the above.
I have two gay sons and I tend to agree with your assessment, Kevin.
My younger one used to hang around a Baptist church youth minister with some of his friends when we lived in Miami. The youth minister called me and wanted him to go on camping trips and be involved with his church. He said he was concerned that my son was into the occult. I told him I knew about his interests and that he would outgrow it. He was really pushy about it. My son didn't want to go with this guy.
A year later, he was arrested for multiple child rapes. I always thought he sensed that my son was gay.
Maria, your children were blessed to have you for their mom! You trusted your instincts and kept your children safe from that predator. Sad that other parents apparently did not.
As you probably know, I'm not a psychologist, but I am a counselor (the difference being having an MA, rather than a PhD after my name). I also don't specialize in working with LGBT, but do have extensive experience with adolescent and family counselling, including abused children. I think both of your comments, as well as many I've read below, show a lot of insight into the pattern and effects of sexual abuse. Human experience is often very unique, but there is a common progression we see (sometimes called grooming) in sexual assaults. It involves victim selection, testing, isolation, etc., as you've made reference to above. It also makes sense that young men who are struggling with their sexual identity might exhibit behaviors that make them more likely targets for sexual predators. And substance abuse is a common way that people deal with psychological trauma of all types.
One thing I would point out, as polarizeusa2012 makes reference to below, is that engaging in sexual behavior with members of the same sex does not necessarily mean that someone is gay or lesbian. As we keep hearing, there is an ever-increasing pattern in our society of men engaging in random sex with other men (like in mall restrooms). Some of these men are closeted homosexuals, but many of them are not. Sometimes sex is about physical attraction, but sometimes it's about power and control. So, it gets really complicated!
With that being said, sexual abuse in childhood does generally lead to a high likelihood of abusing others (whether that abuse is homosexual or heterosexual) and creates a lot of confusion around sexuality. Just because the victim acts out these behaviors, however, does not mean that they are gay. Without some kind of help to work through the experience and emotions, it will likely lead to unhealthy sexual relationships, whether gay or straight.
You might notice that I use a lot of terms like sometimes, often, might, likely…because nothing is set in stone. There are certainly patterns and commonalities that we observe, but every person is unique in their experience of the world and so are their reactions to it.
Your comments were quite interesting. One of my sons was raped as a teenager. I did not know about it at the time until he blurted out the information. Did it affect him? Yes. He used some drugs, he abused alcohol. He has been a heavy smoker. He gave up on school. The person who raped him was around his own age at the time.
This particular son is now a father, with a steady girl-friend. He has had a responsible job. Until the girl came into his life it seemed like there was very little chance of him changing those bad habits that he had developed.
So yes, this is a good observation about the drugs etc and the fact that many of those who are heavy into the drugs were abused.
I might add that this is not always the case… it does not always happen that drugs are used as a form of escape.
I am going out on a limb here from personal experience only, but I think that when females are sexually abused as children there is a tendency to be lesbian. I know. I was sexually abused as a very young child. As I grew up I had a "stay away" "wall" all around me that I wasn't even aware was there. I was afraid of all males. I distinctly remember as a grade schooler saying "men aren't people. They don't have any feelings like women do." This unseen "wall" around me kept boys from coming anywhere near me. As other girls were getting dates I never was asked on one my whole life. I had no sexual desire for other women; I longed for a heterosexual relationship, but when there was none to be had I found myself trying to satisfy my sexual desires in another way.
As I said… this is my own personal story. But I wouldn't be very surprised if it wasn't the case with many lesbians. They may not even be aware of having been sexually assaulted as a very young child. I don't remember the time, person, or actual event that it was for me- I just know from the physical and emotional injuries I received (as well as the personality change at that time) about when it happened. In fact, I didn't put the pieces of the puzzle together to know that until I was in my 50's. All my jr high and high school years I wondered what was "wrong" with me that boys stayed away from me. I had no idea there was a deep-seated horror and fear inside me that caused me to put a relationship "cocoon" all around me. However, by the time I understood the "why", I had already missed all the dating years and… and would be afraid of doing much reaching out or dating anymore now at age 60.
Anyway…. my case may not be a common one. But… I would not be a bit surprised if this was an unknown (as it was for me), and underlying reason for other women who turn to other women instead of men.
By the way… there is a scripture in the bible in Matthew 19:12 that says that some are eunuchs because of the Kingdom of Heaven (meaning, for example, catholic nuns), and some are eunuchs because man made them that way. After I found out what had happened to me I understood this scripture having double meaning. Some are eunuchs because of people castrating them; others may stay away from sex because of something someone else did to them emotionally years and years ago. That is me. I am not naturally a lesbian. Some years back, before I understood all this that had happened to me, I lived as one. But because I am not naturally one, nor – due to the emotional scarring of my childhood- can I be heterosexual actively…. other people made me to be a "eunuch"…. just as the Bible said.
it is not always the case. Something happened to me, but I was a little older. I do admit that I did not encourage relationships with boys when I was younger, although I used to talk to certain ones only.
This did not stop me getting married either.
I have also read stories of women who were sexually abused as children who became very promiscuous as teens and young women. So, I guess it definitely causes diifferent issues with each individual.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Great write-up. I have spent the last few days wondering about the poor little boy in the shower… Why did the assistant coach not stop the incident? How in God's name to you go to sleep with yourself every night for 7 years knowing it occurred and seeing the man on campus on a regular basis?..What do we think that poor young man is going through today? Do you think he would come forward? And how in the world will his parents deal with the fact that the 28 year old adult that caught him, did not stop it? So many questions….
Interesting stuff. While it might be helpful for a professional psychologist to weigh in, my guess would be that your anecdotal assessment would be largely as valid as theirs. The only difference is that they take anecdotal assessment, call it a hypothesis and do some "testing" to confirm or deny. And given the recent developments coming from some psychologist in Scandanavia who admitted to a bunch of fake conclusions/articles, your armchair observations are probably more trustworthy than theirs.
Kevin-
..with the news today that Sandusky may have also been pimping out ‘his’ boys to big donors, I have a beginning of a list of questions, as I wonder if this is more about a corrupt liberal academic institution fundraising technique, rather than a gay pedophile coach:
1. Was Sandusky just another below-the-radar fundraising arm of the Penn State machine?
2. The rape of male children has a certain satanic cult feel about it… could Penn State’s football program be infiltrated thusly?
3. The above questions make one wonder if the unsolved random 2005 disappearance of the local PA D.A. Gricar who was investigating all this….
4. If the pimping for donors report actually is true, how many of the clients were ROP members?……
we know that the Saudis for one example are quite fond of giving HUGE endowments to certain universities for reasons only they know…
Rape of little boys is not only quite accepted in the Muslim world, it is condoned by the fact that Mohammed himself was quite fond of sex with young boys. One of Islam's most famous poets: Abu Nuwas openly glorified sex with younbg boys over women.
"O joy of sodomy! So now be sodomites, you Arabs. Turn not away from it-therein wonderous pleasure. Take some coy lad with kiss-curls twisting in his temple and ride him as he stands like some gazelle standing to her mate-A lad whom all can see girt with sword and belt not like your whore who has to go veiled. Make smooth faced boys and do your very best to mount them, for women are the mounts of the devils!"
Sourse The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam and the Crusades by -Robert Spencer.
I found this comment in your answer interesting: "but I have never been wrong about guessing if a man is gay. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and detect it in his mannerisms…no matter how hard he tries to conceal who he really is.
Contrast that with what we have been told for decades that you can't tell gay from straight by looking.
I have a feeling that there is truth on both the "born that way" and the "something made him gay" sides of it. Some are hardwired that way from the get go, some get the wiring shorted out and changed by an event that overloads it.
My brother-in-law was gay. As a small child in the early 1950's he had an open heart surgery and his parents were told he would not live past the age of 20. So, he was coddled and not allowed to do sports or play with the other boys. He spent a lot of time alone, indoors. He didn't do any kind of yard work, painting, etc. No normal "boy stuff". Ever.
He did live way past 20 and went to high school and college. He married a very sweet girl and they were together for a couple of years. He was a music minister out in CA.
One day he came home and leveled with his parents. His marriage was over. He had tried to be straight. He told his parents that he was repeatedly sexually abused by some older boys in the neighborhood when he was 5-6 years old. This poor man was an emotional wreck. He did get heavily into drugs, chained smoked, drank way too much and lived a very dangerous life in Dallas. (continued)
Kevin, this post made me cry, I am so sad for all of those broken young men whose lives are just trashed in self destruction because they are so damaged by what some creep did to them as boys.
On another note, your incredible insight brings to mind some things about Obama:
Based on his poem "Pop", it appears that he was sexually abused as a child by a man.
He is quite gay, as has been discussed in great detail here at HillBuzz.
He enjoys gay sex with older white men – just like the man who abused him.
He smokes, drinks, and probably still does drugs.
He is damaged, dangerous, and running our country.
What do you think?
If you are not familiar with the story of him having been sexually abused as a young man, let me know and I'll dig up some links for you.
Thank you for all that you do and have done here at HillBuzz, I have learned more from you than you'll ever know.
PS I am really happy that you & Justin are still together, I remember when you first wrote about him, he sounds like a great guy.
Don't forget that he spent years at a madrassa in Indonesia, where I'm sure he suffered horrendous abuse. A half-black, pudgy American child in an islamic hellhole of a school?! Holy God — I actually feel bad for the child that he was. Perhaps this abuse is the reason his despicable mother sent him back to Hawaii.
I also thought Kevin's description of the destructive behavior described Obama to a tee…and yes, I've heard the rumors BHO was sexually abused as a child by those closet to him [see Frank Marshall].
pretty please, I never want to see that "poem" again!!
(continued)
In 1984, while I was preganant with my second baby, he came to stay with us. I remember laying in bed and listening to a terrible cough he had and just knowing he was very ill. He was dxed with full blown aids at the age of 29 and died at the age of 30. I loved him so much and it was awful to see what happened to him over the years as he self destructed.
My in-laws never forgave themselves for not picking up on the sexual abuse he suffered at 5-6 years of age. They died with the feeling of failing him.
Sexual abuse is very far reaching. It affects not only the victim, but all those that love them.
Don't know about "turning them gay", but my stepson claimed his father molested him as a toddler. He struggled with life until ending it all a year ago last summer. I don't know whether that really happened to him or not, but if it did, he carried an awful lot of resentment and anger around with him. RIP
I am so sorry for your loss. May your stepson rest in peace.
I am guessing that in all likelihood your stepson became damaged not so much from the abuse as from the lack of belief regarding what he was saying. If he was not taken seriously then this would have impacted greatly upon his psyche. He was never allowed to deal with whatever he claimed happened.
My sympathy to you and yours over this very tragic situation.
I knew a man who was a victim of the Catholic priest abuse scandal (he blew the whistle on his diocese in Inpls) who also happened to be gay. His victimization started when he was 13 and had just lost his father. He was convinced that the abusive priest really loved him, joined the priesthood and continued the relationship until he was dumped at age 30 for a young boy. At that point, he realized that not only had he been used, but that the priest in question was a predator. By this time also he was thoroughly entrenched in gay behavior. It's hard to say whether or not he would have been straight had he had an intact family (i.e. a father who might have either protected him or helped him deal with the abuse).
Thanks Kevin for your observations and insights. As you say you can reliably recognize other gay men, I wonder if sexual predators have the same ability to recognize other predators. I think this essay was as illuminating and honest as anything I have ever read on this topic. Thank you.
> since guys can be real jerks to deal with and I thought liking women romantically would have made everything so much easier for me.
Funny, that; I've always had the stock comment "Well, of *course* homosexuality isn't a choice — what sane guy would go through crazy chickie bullshit to get his rocks off heterosexually, if he had any choice in the matter whatsoever?"
Guess that whole grass is always greener thing has some truth to it, then…
No, I don't believe it would turn them gay. I had something happen pre-teen that I wouldn't consider abuse but certainly not quite right either. I'm gay and don't see that as a "reason". However, after 5+ years in Chicago, compared to the gays I know in my hometown, the gays here all walk around with some type of "crutch". It's very, very prevalent. "My Mom died when I was 32, that's why I……….(fill in the blank)". "I was abused when I was young, that's why I frequent bathhouses". "I was hurt in the past, that's why I believe in intimacy without committment" (I have my own interpretation of that one).
However, I'm sure the abused excuse is made for many other dysfunctions with many gays here, including the reason for being gay.
Kevin,
I stand in awe of your honesty and acceptance of those of us who want to understand homosexuality. Thank you for a riveting post.
"when boys who are abused sexually grow into men, they are much more likely to be promiscuous and become addicted to smoking, drinking, and using drugs."
I think this is true for every human, male or female, gay or straight–UNLESS someone takes immediate action to rescue the child, stop the abuse, and help the child work through their pain and loss of innocence with counseling. I've seen this to be the case too many times to believe otherwise.
I think that the only line of defence for young victims of rape are the parents. Parents must know their children enough to tell if something so horrific happened to them. There must be signs of trauma after such a horrid experience. Parents much teach thier children at a very young age to know what inappropriate touching is and to be confident enough to go to thier parents knowing full welll that they will get justice for them. I think many parents might be in denial and not want to face the possibility that their child has been raped. Parents must be the campions of their children in demanding justice which means prison time (much) for the rapist. No one else can be trusted to protect their children, unfortunately we have witnessed this in these resent events.
A number of pedophiles target children ages 3 and under because the children are highly unlikely to recall the sexual abuse. Most people's earliest memories are from about age 4 up, a minority have memories from ages 2 and 3. Therefore, it is impossible to know for sure if one has been sexually abused unless the abuse occurred after age 3. Early sexual behavior is a clue though.
Kevin, I think your comments here are very wise. I don't know if you've done any reading on this subject or not; if not, your intuition is impressive. What you say about abusers intuiting which boys are gay is probably spot on. It's also possible that the gay boys isolate themselves and their social misfittedness shows, and an isolated misfit is a prime target for a predator, especially the kind who woos his victims and does his best to make them feel they are special to warrant the predator's attention. Remember, Sandusky's "charity" was devoted to boys from damaged/damaging situations which means Sandusky's "charity" was merely a mask for his hunt for victims.
There's nothing most of us can do for these victims but pray so we need to pray hard and long and loud for them. Since they had already been victimized in some fashion by their families, and then Sandusky raped them, they need every bit of help they can get.