Where I grew up in Cleveland, there is a beloved local weatherman named Dick Goddard who every year hosts “The Wooly Bear Festival” that draws people from several counties’ over to see him in a parade covered in fake orange and brown caterpillars (those are the “wooly bears”, which are sort of like sea monkeys in northeastern Ohio in terms of the fantastically imaginative fantasy world that’s created for them to live in and the attention they’re lavished).
A decade or so ago, Goddard occasionally appeared in newscasts with oddly heavy makeup and he’d seem out of it from time to time, like he was injured somehow. He’d be fine one day, and then the next he’d limp around or have trouble focusing. It was disconcerting because the man is a kind of surrogate Grandpa or favorite Uncle to the entire Greater Cleveland area.
One of the competing local stations started looking into it and they discovered he was being abused by his wife Amber, who was beating him. In one of the cruelest ambushes I’ve ever seen on local TV, the rival station’s reporters surprised Goddard at his home and asked him if his wife beat him and wouldn’t take the camera out of his face. He was clearly bruised and battered and was in tears that the whole world knew what was happening to him.
John Kerry looks exactly like that in the recent photos that show him recovering from a “hockey injury”. If you remember shots of Kerry windsurfing and “hunting” during the 2004 election, you’ll join me in scoffing at this effete, spoiled man strapping on a pair of skates, grabbing a stick, and willingly entering into a hockey game. Now, if he’d claimed he’d smashed his face on the ice while FIGURE SKATING, I’d buy it. But the hockey story is as believable as Dick Goddard back in Cleveland claiming he “kept falling down” when his wife was really beating him.
Is Teresa Heinz-Kerry beating her husband?
She’s shown she’s unstable and has a real temper — and John Kerry seems like he’d be a real pill to have to deal with every day. Is it out of the realm of possibility that she did this to him?
Please don’t think this is anything to laugh at, because spousal abuse is a serious matter and it indeed can happen in marriages where the female is the abuser.
The other possibility is that something strange and terrible happened that Kerry was involved in and the hockey story is just a lame cover. My boyfriend Justin’s parents are big conspiracy buffs and remain convinced that something bad happened to President Bush during his first term when he claimed he choked on a pretzel and fell down and hit his head in the private quarters of the White House while watching a football game. Remember how weird that was?
The man was so rugged and outdoorsy, it seemed so bizarre to imagine him choking on a snack food and hurting himself like that. Justin’s parents think there was some incident the Secret Service covered up — or that Laura hurt him after he’d made her mad (making it less embarrassing to say he choked on a pretzel and hit his head than to say his wife beat him). Justin’s parents think he was hurt while Secret Service hurled him down into the bunker below the White House during either a terrorism near-miss we never were informed about or one of the practice drills they run for getting the President to safety in an emergency (which Justin’s parents insist the White House would never talk about, as they don’t discuss the security plans). So they made up the thing about a pretzel and the coffee table to explain his bruises.
This is just one of those moments when the explanation for why a public figure is all battered and bruised just doesn’t feel right. Maybe Kerry was involved in some sort of Congressional security drill and was bumped into something as his security detail threw him into a car or something to simulate his evacuation protocol.
UPDATE: Consensus now seems to be that this was plastic surgery that John Kerry recently had.
I also had another thought after watching an episode of the TV show “Body of Proof” on Hulu this afternoon — it was an episode where Dana Delaney’s crime-solving medical examiner’s character deduced that a murdered bride had a Botox treatment at her bachelorette party.
One of her bridesmaids secretly hated her and gave her an aspirin after the treatment — which is something that affects the clotting of blood and causes bruising where the Botox was administered. The woman who did this was a nurse and knew that the aspirin would cause the bride to sport black, raccoon eyes on her wedding day.
Could someone have slipped Kerry aspirin after his latest round of Botox?
That sounds like something Teresa would do, doesn’t it? Maybe she also saw that episode of “Body of Proof” and wanted to see if it was real.
© 2012, Kevin DuJan. All rights reserved.
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