Seriously. We were supposed to be friends like this, but yet no one ever told me about Paul Joseph Watson until a few months ago. All this time you knew he was out there and you kept him from me. I’ve got a bone to pick with you about that.
I really don’t know what else to say: Paul Joseph Watson is clearly the perfect man. I wish that someone could clone him so we could all have one. Now that I am single again, I am shamelessly putting that out into the universe: somebody with smarts please get off the couch, put down the Pepsi, and get to work cloning Paul Joseph Watson.
How do I love him? Well, let me count the ways:
1. He invented the word Hipster McDouchebags…to perfectly describe Hipster McDouchebags. While I concede that Bob Dylan technically does deserve that Nobel Prize in Literature he just won, runner-up should have been Paul Joseph Watson.
2. He yells into the camera and says things that are correct: “Stop misleading millions of young people to vote for a warmongering, corporate, Wall Street whore who couldn’t give a shit about them.” Marry me.
3. He pulls no punches and isn’t afraid of anything. How many real men are left in this world today? I’m talking the loud, cocky, testosterone-fueled, take-no-prisoners men? It might be down to Paul Joseph Watson and his clones.
4. He talks super fast and never stumbles. That’s hard to do, especially when yelling. I happen to love doing this myself when I go to board meetings to yell at local elected officials that I catch stealing gold or buying themselves dinner when I audit their spending reports using FOIA. But I’ve never been able to pull this off as good as PJW.
5. His accent is dreamy. I normally hate people with accepts and think they are stupid because they can’t talk properly, since I believe everyone should sound like they are from Northeastern, Ohio. Everyone EXCEPT for Paul Joseph Watson. He needs to stay exactly as he is. Because he is, as aforementioned, DREAMY.
6. He knows how to use the YouTubes super good. I couldn’t make a decent YouTube video if my life depended on it. I’ve tried repeatedly through the years and always eff it up. And then the computer crashes. Or that little sphere appears and starts spinning in rainbow colors to taunt me and everything freezes, like my Mac’s been visited by gay space aliens from Uranus. PJW just bangs these videos out too…and each one is better than the last! Is there nothing he can’t do?
I go on sometimes about how I never understand why straight people love sportsball so much and how they gush endlessly about the sportsball players, but maybe what I feel towards Paul Joseph Watson is what they feel about those athletes. I don’t get why people feel compelled to cheer when a bulky millionaire catches a ball in his super tight pants, no matter how great he rocks his little pants. But, Great Merciful Zeus, Paul Joseph Watson is a world-class, Olympics-worthy SHOUTER.
I could listen to that glorious shouting all day. It’s technically angry shouting, so even better. If any of you out there are thinking of setting me up with your sons, brothers, nephews or whatever, file Paul Joseph Watson as Exhibit-A on what to look for in my next boyfriend. And get cracking.
Because he’s total poster on the wall, Tiger Beat, dreamboat material in my book.
© 2016, Kevin DuJan. All rights reserved.
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