BREAKING NEWS: Winner of Chicago LaSalle Bank Marathon Declared: it's lazy guy reading paper in Caribou who isn't even wearing running shoes
We’re perched in Caribou Coffee on Broadway and Aldine (aka Care-for-bois), watching the Chicago LaSalle Bank Marathon pass by.
All the really hot shirtless guys in 1970s obscene onion skin running shorts ran by, super fast, HOURS ago.
Now it’s just the ordinary Joes wearing every piece of sweat-clothing they own under winter parkas, bringing up the rear. If it wasn’t for a hottie in a brown leather coat (with a butt we could write poetry about) standing on a park bench just outside the window, practically pressed up against the glass, there’d be nothing left of any interest for us to look at — save for the random people in costumes, dressed up like the Grim Reaper or various sandwiches and french fries from McDonalds, who do indeed bring a certain brand of magic to the proceedings, we admit. ZOOM! Someone dressed as either Pope Benedict or Emperor Palpatine just jogged by, flaming in red (forgive us if we still can’t physically tell the two of them apart, even if we are pretty sure they’re two different people).
But, we were THRILLED to hear the LaSalle Bank Marathon Committee has announced the winner: the entire coffee house is going wild because the winner of the race is an old man wearing a Christmas sweater, in October, who’s been sitting on his ass reading the paper while all the runners were working hard, competing, doing something they love with tremendous dedication and heart, and generally setting a great example for the rest of us to follow.
“Well, you know,” the race officials explained, “that man with the newspaper is very inspiring. He talked alot about how he hoped the marathon would be good this year, and how he thought there would be many hot guys in the race, and that they would run really fast. That was very inspirational and something no one in the city had ever thought of before. Using the word “hope” and then thinking about things, in the future, things that have not happened yet, was very inspirational. That man also had TWO beverages in front of him during the race: one he was drinking, which was a pumpkin latte from the notes we have in front of us, and the other was scalding hot black coffee, held in reserve, for when the latte was finished. That was strategic because then he would not have to wait in a long line later when he wanted a refill. Foresight like that needs to be rewarded, so we have decided that man with the paper sitting on his butt in Caribou is the 2009 Winner of the LaSalle Bank Marathon!”.
The Chicago Tribune is calling the Committee’s decision “the most brilliant thing we have heard since last Friday”.
Oprah Winfrey, one of Chicago’s most famous monsters residents, said, “where the Hell’s my damn cake? Don’t I have white people to fetch me stuff? Bring me my cake…and while you’re at it, bring me your cake too. All cake belongs to Oprah.”
Rank and file Chicagoans are just scratching their heads saying, “Huh?”.
UPDATE: The Marathon Committee’s decision to make the lazy man reading the paper the official winner of the race HAS BEEN REVOKED, on the grounds it was RAAACIST. The President of the United States, Dr. Utopia, has instead been declared the winner of the 2009 Chicago LaSalle Bank Marathon.
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