Archive for April, 2010
Claire McCaskill's Got Something to Say! "The Best Disinfectant: Putting An End to Secret Holes", By Claire McCaskill
Here’s a letter Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill wrote on Wednesday. In crayon, under her desk, while “Senatoring” all day, in between “sammich breaks”. If you were wondering what stupid thing McCaskill’s been up to, it’s this.
The Best Disinfectant: Putting An End to Secret Holes – by Claire “Bear” McCaskill, Senator and Sammich Eater
Since I arrived in Washington, I’ve been repeatedly astonished by all sorts of things: elevators that go up and down, yellow dogs that say “Bark! Bark! Bark!”, and these little pink envelopes full of white stuff that I put on my sammiches, and then my sammiches taste like candy. It’s magical here. Not like smelly old Missouri, where people are poopy heads and are stupid. They elected me Senator!
The way business is sometimes done around here makes my head hurt. It makes me want pickles! A great example of this is the so-called secret hole that people have been talking about, and then I started tweeting about them talking about it on Twitter, where all my tweets go. Along with my colleagues Mark Warner and Sheldon Whitehouse and my friend Dora from TV, she’s an explorer!, I have been working to end the process of secret holes, which is when senators anonymously dig a hole somewhere and then cover it with a rug or wrapping paper and then wait around the corner for someone to fall in it and then they all laugh. We are sending a letter to both parties’ leadership, currently signed by 42 senators, where I drew pictures of bugs on the letter, because I think bugs are interesting and when I leave my sammiches out under my desk the bugs come to visit me and then I tell them stories. I really liked watching H.R. Puffnstuff when I was littler. That show was fun.
That lady who sits outside my office and tells me not to light matches keeps saying I work for the public and should believe that if a senator wants to block a piece of legislation or a nominee, they owe the public an explanation. I don’t think I owe the public anything, because they were stupid enough to send me here, so that desk is mine now, and it makes a pretty nice fort. It also makes a good spaceship, too, when I pretend I am Claire Picard and I save the world from the Romulans. That lady who’s always mad at me says measures I helped pass as part of sweeping ethics reform legislation in 2007 were designed to clean up Washington and force members to be transparent, but it’s been three years and I still can’t see through them. One time, I went to a children’s museum and there was a transparent lady statue there and I could see her heart and stuff, and her gizzards and stuff and it was gross. Senators Ron Wyden and Chuck Grassley have recently introduced a bill to require me to have adult supervision at all times. I hate those two guys, because they are always hassling me. I would like to eliminate those secret holes, but only after I threw those two in them, and then I would say “See that, I showed you!”.
As of last week, a lot of stuff has happened that I don’t understand, so I keep asking that lady for an explanation and she keeps saying, ‘Senator, for the millionth time, I am not “some lady” or “that lady” or “Mommy”, I am Jane. Jane Putipon, your Chief of Staff, and I’m reminding you that Senators wear underpants every day to the office. Pants or skirts too, and they don’t bring turtles or lunchboxes full of dripping, melted ice cream to the Senate”. Let me be clear about what I mean by stuff I don’t understand: that means anything and everything people say, do, think, writer, tell me, or draw pictures of. Senator Whitehorse and I went to the Senate floor last week and I giggled the whole time because he’s not really a horse, so he was funnin’ with me and being silly. I really wish he was a horse, though, because then I would have rode him up and down the halls and I’d have said, ‘See that dog, you can say Bark! Bark! Bark! all day, but I gots a horse and you ain’t got nothing, you dog”. Republicans keep making fun of me and saying I’m a ridiculous embarrassment to myself and others, but I say they just jealous I can talk to dogs and they can’t!
Next time I write a letter, I’m going to make those Republicans more jealous because I am going to put some stickers on it, and then when they want more stickers, I’m going to tell them I’m all out, but really I have a whole stack under my desk, in my fort. So, that will teach them about those secret holes.
Love,
Claire McCaskill
Senator
Friday Open Thread: April 30th, 2010
What’s on your mind this Friday?
What are people talking about in your part of the country?
What are your plans for the weekend?
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Do you like things that are awesome?
Do you like mashups of two awesome things, resulting in something more awesome than the sum of its awesome parts?
Then, checkout our soldiers in Afghanistan doing a remake of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” video.
What if Bush had done this?
What would the Left have said about Bush if he had cried at a white person's funeral, after having skipped a high profile black's funeral a few weeks before -- TO PLAY GOLF?
Consider an alternate dimension.
Same Earth, with a relative parallel history, save for the fact that, somehow, George W. Bush is still president today, April 29th, 2010.
On this parallel Earth, a horrific plane crash in Botswana earlier in the month took the lives of many black dignitaries, leaders, and other luminaries. Nelson Mandela, the former president of South Africa, was on board, along with prominent black military figures such as Colin Powell. Aretha Franklin was on the flight, sitting next to Mandela, wearing a giant hat of some kind, with a bow bigger than a propeller. Kanye West was apparently flying the plane, though no one seems to miss him.
Everyone on board — all black — perished in this horrific crash.
When funerals in South Africa were arranged, President Bush decided he didn’t much feel like going — because it was “just some black people that died. No big deal”.
So, the White House made up a cockamamie excuse about “the air being too dusty to fly Air Force One to South Africa”.
The South African embassy in Washington held a service on the day of Mandela’s funeral, and invited the President, since he would still be in Washington that day. Bush declined the invite, and also refused to seek out a South African church somewhere in the nation — accessible by motorcade, in case it was still too dusty to fly — where he could attend a service to pay his respects at a virtual funeral for Mandela.
Instead, Bush went golfing that day.
“Screw ‘em,” was an apparent quote overheard by Henry Gates, in Cambridge, whose practiced hearing can detect slights against blacks hundreds of miles away. Like Oprah hearing a bag of Doritos opened in Texas from her penthouse in Chicago.
Maureen Dowd at the New York Times heard Bush, too, and added an (implied) “boy” to the end of Bush’s remark.
Several weeks later, famous wealthy white person Warren Buffett dies suddenly and receives a high profile funeral.
Not only does Bush attend, but he openly weeps during the service. Laura Bush sits next to him, demure and peaceful in a black dress and pearls.
Somewhere in New York, Al Sharpton grabs a bull horn and rallies his Race Industry troops to launch major protests in every urban enclave Democrats hold — because Bush refused to go to the funeral of prominent blacks killed in that plane crash…and even more insultingly, PLAYED GOLF instead of honoring them…but he cried openly during the funeral of a white person.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACIST!
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Now, nobody here is saying it’s wrong for Obama to cry at a funeral. We actually think more of him seeing what was obviously real emotion. It was 100% appropriate for the President of the United States to attend the funeral of Dorothy Height — who was not only a civil rights icon, but one of the sharpest, sassiest, most interesting women in Democrat politics for decades. She will indeed be missed.
But, clearly, in an alternate universe where Bush would have treated blacks like Mandela the way Obama treated whites like the Polish president…and where Bush would have skipped a black leader’s funeral to play golf…and where Bush would have then cried at a white person’s funeral, after having so glaringly ignored a prominent black’s, the usual Race Industry gang of Al Sharpton/Henry Gates/Jesse Jackson/James Clyburne/John Lewis/Spike Lee/Eric Holder and all the rest would have been having near epileptic fits of apoplectic outrage.
They’d be rolling around in the streets, foaming at the mouth, demanding Bush’s immediate resignation.
“He played golf instead of going to the funeral!”
“He said it was too dusty to fly, my ass!”
“Then he done sat there there, all weepy-eyed, ’cause some white guy died, but he couldn’t go to Mandela’s funeral? NELSON MANDELA. Oh, that’s just cold. That’s racism right there, that’s what that is. Stone cold racism!”
Do you think the Left, and its propaganda arm in the MSM, would have given Bush a pass for this?
Conservatives4Palin announce meet-up in San Diego, July 9-11 weekend
We really like the folks over at Conservatives4Palin, and are glad to see them organizing a “meet-up” event, where Palin supporters will gather in July.
Have to be honest and say we were pulling for Chicago to win in their “where shall we have this” poll, because we sure would have liked to see everyone here — and would have been happy to show folks around our city. We could have chartered a bus and taken a tour of the Southside, which was Obama’s state senate district, before he became a US Senator and did even less to make any of it less terrible.
That’s a fun tour, let us assure you, but illustrative of what good Hope and Change did anyone in this city. Even less than what it’s done for the entire country in the Golden Age of Hope and Change.
Anyway, there’s talk of C4P doing another event here in Chicago in October, which we’d definitely love to be a part of.
Here’s hoping.
Question: Could DEMOCRATS end up taking down Charlie Crist, and exposing his hypocrisy and Green Iguana shenanigans?
"Hey stud. Sweet Speedo. Buy you a daquiri? Strawberry, or Razzleberry?"
Here’s a brief thought we just had: if Charlie Crist, as an Independent, pushes lackluster Democrat candidate Meeks into third place in the Florida Senate race, as suspected, then will Democrats take Crist down themselves, Eric Massa-style?
We got the idea when we heard that Crist was trying desperately to get in touch with Rahm Emanuel at the White House, through intermediaries, but Rahm wouldn’t take the call (“Tell him I’m watching Justin Beiber on Youtube and will call him back, at like, never”).
We wondered: why WOULDN’T Emanuel take that call?
Why WOULDN’T he help Crist run as an Independent if that would hurt Marco Rubio and help the Democrats’ chances of picking up that Senate seat?
Unless, Rahm’s numbers show Crist hurts Meeks more than Rubio.
In which case, we wonder how long before Rahm takes Crist down to increase Meeks’ odds for victory.
Question: Has anyone ever proposed seizing Mexico's Gulf oil to pay for all of the Mexican citizens in the US illegally?
What’s fascinating to us about the whole illegal alien situation with Mexico is that there seems to be absolutely no shame whatsoever in Mexico City that the country is so bad that millions of its people break the law to get away from it.
These are unskilled individuals, and more than a few criminals, Mexico does not want. Hence the lack of tears shed for their flight from the country.
They’re purging those they don’t want anymore, and resist every effort the United States makes in stemming this tide and sending them back.
Though we know this would never happen, we’d love to see Mexico’s response to a serious effort to seize Mexican oil wells in the Gulf as compensation for the millions, if not billions, that have spent either trying to control America’s borders or providing illegal Mexican aliens with health and public services once they cross into the US.
If Mexico faced a serious financial penalty for allowing its unwanted citizens to illegally enter and take root in the US, we bet Mexico would, suddenly, MAGICALLY, stop these people from crossing into the US illegally.
Why doesn’t the US act like the global power it is, and teach Mexico there are consequences for Mexico City’s deliberate purging of its unwanted across the US border?
Take that oil, and watch Mexico take action against these illegal aliens.
Imagine that.
RESEARCH: Do Democrats only put up weak resistance to closeted gay Republicans running for office (in hopes they can blackmail them when in office, so it's like Democrats picking up that seat anyway)?
Florida's orange governor, Charlie Crist, tricked into believing Jason Wetherington was turned into a conch shell. By magic. "Curse you, Hogwarts, and all those wizards at Universal Orlando!".
Crist, after realizing the thing he was blowing...into...was not a 21 year old man turned into a conch shell.
Here’s something that occurred to us, as a hypothesis, that we’d love to get some research done on.
We had the idea when seeing a news clip from 2006 talking about Florida’s current orange Governor, Charlie Crist, back when he was Attorney General running to succeed Jeb Bush. Many in Florida — and all in the political world — knew Crist was gay, but the MSM had no interest in reporting on this, and in fact did a big Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous spread on Crist when he had his Liza Minnelli/David Gest inspired wedding to fake-beard-and-novelty-products-heiress Carole Rome. If there was a movie made about this marriage, it would star Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. With costumes done by the ghost of Adrian.
We don’t remember Democrats putting up all that much of a fight against Crist in that Governor’s race.
We also never see Democrats put up all that much of a fight against Lindsey Graham in South Carolina.
There are races across the country where Democrats put up joke candidates against gay, closeted Republicans who — if outed — would most surely lose their elections.
Why do Democrats do that?
Is it because having a gay, closeted Republican like Crist or Graham in office is “just as good” as having a Democrat in that seat, since the DNC knows it can just blackmail these men into doing whatever they want anyway…and, when the time comes and the Dems have groomed a decent candidate to unseat this person, they know they can take him down whenever they like anyway.
Are closeted, gay Republicans really, at the end of the day, just Democrat puppets?
Can we look back on the political careers of people like Charlie Crist, Lindsey Graham, Aaron Schock, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and other gay Republicans in state and national office and see just how much of a fight the DNC waged against their campaigns…and how often, when installed in office, these guys buckled to pressure (real or implied) and sided with Democrats against Republican or constituent interests?
Our thinking on this is that Independents should take these guys down, because the GOP and DNC are content to use them for various purposes — but having men so easily blackmailed in office doesn’t do a lick of good for the people who elect them.
If they are just going to be puppets to the DNC, but they are running as Republicans, then they are lying to their voters and should not be allowed to get away with this scam.
