Archive for April 10th, 2010
Great Merciful Zeus: Unconfirmed Jake Gyllenhaal sightings in Boystown this weekend
Jakey-G is filming a new movie here in Chicago and was seen out and about in Millennium Park yesterday. Last night, some people we know swear they saw him in the Loop. Today, everyone’s buzzing that he checked out Boystown in a ball cap and sunglasses, with “unidentified male friend in tow”.
We haven’t seen him yet, but if we do, don’t judge us if the encounter ends up on Perez Hilton. Word here is Jake’s dating a guy who goes to grad school in Michigan, so that might be the “friend” he’s been out palling with.
Hope we run into them…maybe at MiniBar tonight.
How pathetic is Tina Fey? Go ahead and use all the words you want to express yourself. We won't keep count.
The most flattering picture we could find of Tina Fey
Word is that tonight unfunny “comedienne” Tina Fey is going to attack Sarah Palin some more on Saturday Night Live.
This is worth mentioning because Fey repeatedly said that after the 2008 election, she’d portray Palin only “over her dead body”.
Fey went out of her way to talk about what a success she is, in her own mind, on 30 Rock and the various movie projects she has in development and that she just absolutely, positively, completely hated Palin and playing her in comedy sketches. She would not do it again under any circumstances WHATSOEVER.
Over and over again, Fey said that.
So, please tell, why is she going on SNL tonight to whack at Palin some more?
What did the White House offer her? The Secretary spot in a new Ministry of Truth the White House wants to setup?
This all irks us because of how nice the Palins have always been towards Fey. When the Governor graciously appeared on the show few realize remains on the air, Palin met Fey and was very kind to her. It was Fey’s birthday (60th, we think), and she was complaining about having a baby and not being able to hit the town and get sloppy drunk and wake up in cabs with strangers as she’s wont to do on a Saturday night after the show, so Palin volunteered young Willow to babysit Fey’s child for her — because the Governor knew that in that scenario, at least the little tyke would be in good responsible hands, for at least one evening that week.
Fey made fun of this on talk shows later.
“Can you believe that? She just volunteered her daughter to babysit, Willow or whoever, and she said she would love to do it. Who are these people? Where’s my scotch?”.
Of course Willow would have been thrilled to babysit. Piper would have helped. Lil’ Trig would have kept baby Fey company and been a play pal. If Track was home from the Army, he would have cleaned out Fey’s gutters and helped her put up storm windows. Bristol would have probably cooked a half dozen casseroles and froze them in Fey’s kitchen so that her family would have good, nutritious food to eat for at least a week or two while Fey continued to be herself and got up to whatever it is she does with her time when the Palins aren’t around to assist her.
So, continue to make fun of the most decent American family we’ve seen in a while, Lefties.
And keep playing Palin, Tina Fey. You are like a cheap Vegas Elvis impersonator, with one sorry note, waking up to the horror that you will never be 1/millionth as popular as the person you stand in front of a mirror for hours trying to mimic, or in your case mock.
The funny thing is, the joke’s on you, Tina.
You’re the one who said you’d never play Palin again if your life depended on it.
Well, tonight you are playing Palin again apparently.
Does your career depend upon it?
Please send your thoughts to America's loyal friends and allies in Poland on what is a horrible day for all of them
Poland is one of our greatest friends and allies in the world.
Besides our dear friends Israel and Great Britain, we can think of few other nations who have come running more quickly in the last twenty years whenever we’ve needed help with anything. They might not have a lot to send, or much to give, but Poland has always proven itself to be a nation of hard-working, caring, responsible people who can always be counted upon in a crisis.
Well, today Poles are facing an unimaginable crisis, as their version of Air Force One has crashed, killing their president and top leaders.
As we send every good thought we have to the Poles, we can’t help but wonder two things:
(1) Where was Vladimir Putin when the plane went down, and does this benefit Russia in some way? Would he have wanted to have the Polish president and their leaders killed? The Polish AF1 should not fall out of the sky due to “pilot error”. Sounds a little too Cold War in its blunt, KGB, “him fall down stairs, him break neck, him dead” brutality. Putin’s been moving against Georgia, the Ukraine, and other former Soviet constituents. Poland was Russia’s favorite punching bag for centuries. Does this tragedy benefit Putin in any way, and did he pull Tom Clancy-grade stunt like this because, with effeminate, dithering unicorn-rider Obama in the White House, he knew he could get away with it?
(2) How long until Obama makes this about himself in some way? He’s issued a statement saying he is sorry this happened to Poland. It’s classic narcissism for Dr. Utopia to find a way, in talking about the death of the Polish president, to remind everyone how wonderful he himself is and how glad they all should be that this would never happen to Air Force One, so that we should all be thankful The Lightbringer will never fall from the sky like this.
It’s testimony to the extreme egomania of this man that even in the wake of a profound tragedy, we wait for him to either talk about his own wonderfulness or to rant about America being racist and too hard on Islam. Will he do this today too?
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UPDATE: We’d like to ask you to please pick up a postcard in your hometown while out today or tomorrow and please send a note of condolence to the wonderful people of Poland so that they know they are all loved, and that Americans in every city and state are thinking of them.
Please tell them how much you appreciate them always standing by America, especially on 9/11 when we faced a tragedy, and how you stand with Poland in its grief today.
Here is the embassy contact info — so please write to them:
Barney Frank Retirement Watch
Raise your hand if you are an embarrassment to the gay community.
The title of this post is misleading, and potentially disappointing to sick perverts everywhere, because it’s not about an actual “Barney Frank retirement watch”, as in, a watch specifically designed to be presented either to Frank at his retirement, or to be sold by the Franklin Mint at 3am for $19.95 to commemorate his retirement. That “watch”, if truly a “Barney Frank Retirement Watch”, would by nature of its name be required to run a male prostitution business in your basement, magically keeping you and everyone you are related to unaware of its presence the whole time, which means it would be like the syfy gizmos on that old Sliders TV show in the 90s that could open up wormholes into parallel worlds or whatever.
Like, strange, BizzaroWorld dimensions where Barney Frank was a respectable Member of Congress and legitimate LGBTQ icon someone other than male prostitutes, pimps, proud sluts such as Ben Nelson and Bart Stupak (which may be redundant, considering item number one), and the rest of the louts in the current Socialist-Democrat fold in Congress can admire.
Thank Great Merciful Zeus there’s no such thing as an actual “Barney Frank Retirement Watch”. Eric Massa only knows how many male brothels and twisted gay frat houses Members of Congress would be running, oblivious to themselves, if they had such a golden tool showered upon them.
No, apart from the title’s confusion, we’re watching for word on whether Barney Frank will really retire this year, as Laura Ingraham Tweeted on the Twitter earlier today.
Claire McCaskill was reportedly overheard in Missouri shouting excitedly, “Hey, I’m on Twitter! I’m Tweeting about being on Twitter now ’cause I know how to Tweet all by myself! There’s a yellow dog outside and I said BARK, BARK, BARK, YOU DOG and the dog looked at me!”.
People of Missouri, you only have yourselves to blame.
And those in Massachusetts, seriously, how many times have you sent back to Washington a man who ran a male prostitution ring out of his basement and swore on a stack of Bibles he not only didn’t know anything about what was going on down there, but just thought all that pounding and moaning coming from below was “poltergeists, like in that movie with the guy from Coach and that little girl who gives me the creeps”.
Do you really think Frank will be frank with voters, for once, and tell us about his retirement soon?
Does he know about his own retirement?
That would be a marked improved in his learning and information retention abilities since the whole brothel in the basement days.
Claire McCaskill, if this is true, honey there’s hope for you yet.
Change too!
More racism from Oprah: blackballing white author Kitty Kelly and organizing prejudice against her
Drudge Report ran this headline of Oprah Winfrey's latest racist attack
Well, notorious racist Oprah Winfrey is at it again — discriminating against a white woman, depriving her opportunities to appear on television to promote her work, and inhibiting her ability to do her job effectively.
The Charybdis of Lake Michigan did this to Sarah Palin in 2008, when she tried her level best to keep Palin off television as much as possible to benefit black presidential candidate Obama.
Now, two years later, Oprah’s in a full-court press to limit the media opportunities available to white author Kitty Kelly.
Surely, it must all be due to race.
That is, of course, if we follow the logic of Al Sharpton, Henry Gates, Jesse Jackson, Eric Holder, Barack Obama, John Lewis, James Clyburne, Spike Lee, and all the disembodied, muttering voices race-baiting 24/7 inside their warped, perpetual victim machine, Race Industry driving heads.
If a black author was prevented from appearing on numerous television programs by a white television host, who orchestrated a conspiracy to keep that person off the air — such as Oprah has done to Kelly — the Race Industry would be scrambled to Defcon Eleventy over this. RAAAAAAAAAACISM! PREJUDIIIIIIIIIIICE! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
What’s good for the Sharpton-Gates-Jackson machine should be good for everyone else, regardless of what color the perpetrator of the discrimination is…which, in this case, is Oprah, who is not only a black person inflicting financial and professional harm on another because of her race (using Sharpton-Gates-Jackson logic), but is the world’s foremost gluttonous cautionary tale.
But, it should come as no surprise Oprah’s stooped to blackballing Kitty Kelly over her new Winfrey-tastic book.
The Charybdis of Lake Michigan’s been blueballing Stedman Graham for well on twenty years now.
Gayle only knows how many different colors of balls Winfrey is juggling.
Saturday Open Thread: April 10th, 2010
What’s on your minds this Saturday?
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We had to add this quick note here because we are genuinely touched so many of you have written in asking us if we are feeling better after the food poisoning episode last week. We’ve actually gotten 3x as much email as normal, and only about 5% of it is from trolls happy we were sick (and sorry we didn’t die from whatever we caught). It’s really very sweet of all of you. It’s still surreal to know thousands of people out there we’ve never met care about us and our misadventures in Boystown, and we hope we tell you enough how much we appreciate that. It’s very amazing.
For the three of us that got sick, two were back up and running 80% by Tuesday or so, but food still tastes weird to them. ”Chemically”, is the term used. Even plain yogurt. The only things that are acceptable to eat are oatmeal, chicken broth, and saltines. We say “acceptable” because we’ve been eating bananas, rice, toast, and drinking tea, even though it all tastes “weird”. It’s like we can taste all the individual preservatives and with the tea and bananas, we can taste the dirt it was grown in. It’s very strange.
Jell-o was a giant mistake. Our friend Akosua surprised us at Buzzquarters with a big basket of Jell-o snack cups, which we tried to eat, but man alive, that flavoring in those things is STRONG. Before any of it, the orange especially, hit our lips we could taste it, and all that artificial whatever just turned our stomachs. Most of us can eat them now, but we highly recommend avoiding anything with artificial flavorings or sweeteners in it — and any chemicals period — if you ever get food poisoning.
One of us is still sicker than the others, for whatever reason, and you can just use your imaginations — especially the moms — to figure out what he’s still dealing with as a consequence from the food poisoning, since we’ll say the vomiting, headaches, shakes, chills, and fever are all long gone, and only one inconvenient and gurgling running torment is still happening. There’s a Lady GaGa parody video of “Bad Romance” out there on YouTube called “Bathroom Dance” if you need that last clue. Uncomfortable to talk about. Worse to have. We hope it ends this weekend. If not, he might just have to bite the bullet and go to a doctor because we believe food poisoning should be over and done with in a week or so, and we believe we contracted it last Thursday night, about 830-9pm or so. And it hit all three of us roughly on Saturday night, late, after midnight or so, when we were all in our individual beds. We didn’t realize until Sunday night that 3/4 of us that went to the Thursday party were all sick…and we didn’t eat together on Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday, so that’s why we think it happened on Thursday.
Ace detectives that we are.
Goodness, we’re seriously almost embarrassed to give you all this update, but so many asked, so there it is. It is sweet that you asked though. That means a lot, and makes up for a lot of the grief we’ve been getting lately.
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