"Oprah can stand?"

Oprah Winfrey, the Charybdis of Lake Michigan, has been ordered to stand trial for trying to scapegoat the headmistress of the school Winfrey set up in Africa, the one that abuses young girls — who are beaten to within an inch of their lives in front of golden-framed bad oil paintings of Oprah (like those creepy things Michael Jackson used to have painted of himself, where he was dressed as medieval kings with chubby, naked angels attending to him).

As if there are any good oil paintings of Oprah.

The real shock here in Chicago is that Oprah has the ability to stand, for anything.

It was long assumed her hind legs had atrophied, years ago, with her forward locomotion largely derived from her semi-sentient stomachs, evolved through sheer gluttony to have a mind of their own, much like a Hutt’s in those Star Wars movies. Part of the reason she took up residence in a cove near Navy Pier here in Chicago was the fact her legs no longer worked properly, lacking the musculature to support and carry all that upper mass. More so than the schools of fish and ferry boats filled with tourists, the draw of Lake Michigan is the relative bouyancy it gives our own Charybdis.

So, a judge ordering this monster to stand anywhere is big news here in Chicago.

We’ll keep you posted as more on this develops…and more details of the abuse that takes place at Oprah’s school comes to light.