Dumb as a rock, but would make an excellent naked maid.

There are things that many of us here at Buzzquarters would love to do to Matt Damon that involve chocolate, fireplaces, bear skin rugs, slip-and-slides, hot sauce, ice cubes, and all sorts of wackier household items that we won’t get into on a PG-13 site. But, rest assured, Damon would be quite naked throughout, but sadly, since he’s straight, not loving every minute of it as we would.

He is one gorgeous, fine-bodied, pretty-mouthed, idiot.

Damon is a himbo in every sense of the word, and we just adore watching him in movies playing his little parts, sometimes being a Mr. Toughguy Action Hero and other times being a space alien or a dancing leprechaun or whatever the Hell else he’s in.  None of it really matters, because we just like staring at him, the same way we like looking at fish tanks or oil paintings, if either of those things were suddenly super-sexy and had starred in Talented Mr. Ripley, which remains one of our favorite movies to watch with the sound completely off so we can pretend it has a happy ending for all the pretty people.

If we had our druthers, Damon would forever be dressed in nothing but a bowtie and a smile, and he’d be our maid here at Buzzquarters.  We’d make sure to keep the place extra super messy and let Panda eat Oreos in every room if he wants (instead of only letting him do that in the kitchen, where it’s easiest to clean up), so Damon would never be able to leave, and would never get dressed again.

That is such a better use for this himbo than giving him a microphone and turning him into a celebrity political pundit.

Last year, he made an incoherent video where he accused Sarah Palin of not believing in dinosaurs…the same kind Damon has on his jammies.  Big dinos, little ones, red ones, blue ones, Damon knew all about the dinos, but went off on a bizarre rant claiming Governor Palin thought they never existed.  It was just more of the crazy lies the Left makes up about people it doesn’t like.  The Leftists either call someone a RAAACIST! or they claim they don’t believe in dinosaurs, science, Speedos, or a host of other odd and random things.

Damon won an Oscar for supposedly writing Good Will Hunting.  Can’t he come up with better lies than dinosaurs?  He’s an Oscar winning writer AND an actor AND he’s a total babe…we expect more from him (or, at least we would if we really got him to mop the floors and wash the windows, which we just know he’d be great at, if he applied himself and focused really hard).

It’s just funny to us that now Damon’s attacking Dr. Utopia, the man he claimed was “The Lightbringer” and “The One” who was supposed to save us all from untold calamities. Damon pushed hard for Dr. Utopia, and campaigned for him aggressively.

Now, poor Mattie is crying that he “was twicked” by “dat bad man who twicked me!”.

He says he’s now disappointed in Dr. Utopia because Mattie hasn’t received his unicorn yet, and he’s been waiting and waiting and waiting for it for months, sitting on his steps in New York, looking down the street “ewerwee dway”, looking and hoping and wishing and praying for his “unicworn!”.

Damon’s so very disappointed it hasn’t arrived yet.

Our message to him is simple:  You gorgeous idiot, no damn unicorn is coming.  We told you that two years ago.  Your Lightbringer is a fraud, and you personally are almost too stupid to be allowed outside unsupervised.  Now, put on your bowtie, lose the pants, and get that disappointed little butt right over here, lickety-split, ’cause Panda’s broken out the Double-Stuffs and you need to put your best Damon assets to work.