HillBuzz

Dear Governor Palin,

My name is Patricia Melton, and I am the President-for-Life of the Mineral City Coffee Club here in Mineral City, Ohio.  I don’t know if you have Coffee Clubs up in Alaska, but you should.  I imagine it gets really cold up there, and there’s nothing like a hot cup of coffee and spirited conversation with good friends (and even people you can’t stand) to take the chill out of the air and get a little fire in your belly.

This morning, the Mineral City Coffee Club is getting our little care packages ready to take out tomorrow on Christmas Eve, visiting with people we know don’t have a lot of friends or family.  We’ve baked cookies, made some ornaments, and are putting together little stockings for people.  We’re all Hillary Clinton supporters here, who long ago found inspiration in her book, “It Takes A Village”, and we’re here to tell you that this little village in Ohio makes it our business to ensure the spirit of Christmas remains alive and well, thank you very much.  I have my son Robby do this up in Chicago where he lives too, and would ask my daughter Ann-Louise to do it in New York, too, but I know she won’t because she’s so damn selfish.  I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with her, but I’m not going to let her spoil another Christmas.  The less said about her, the better.

Grace, our Coffee Club’s Vice President, suggested I write you today to let you know that in addition to the usual Hillary Clinton Christmas ornaments we’ve been making, and the standard red-white-and-blue ones that are just generally pro-American, we’ve also taken to making Sarah Palin ornaments for people’s trees.  There’re nothing too fancy, because I am the only one with any artistic talent of any merit in all of Mineral City, but we’ve got a lot of glitter and decoupaging glue and bulbs in all sizes.  We used the computer and the Internets and the printer to find nice photos of Hillary Clinton and you (but not together, because we don’t believe you’ve ever met, yet) so we could cut them out and make our ornaments with them.

In years past, the Coffee Club did this on our own in my kitchen, with my husband Earl sporadically “helping” by showing up unexpectedly here and there to gobble up any unattended cookies and get glitter and glue all over himself and as much of my furniture as he could possibly manage. I have to watch that man every waking moment.  He’s worse than the cat-babies, who don’t know any better, since they aren’t people.  They’re cats.  Earl’s a grown man who acts like those are the last cookies on Earth, when I can bake more at any time.  But, apparently, cookies meant for someone else’s Christmas stocking are the most delicious ones to that man.  I don’t know if your own husband Todd behaves like this, but I hope not.

Since you ran for Vice President last year, a really funny thing has happened here in Mineral City.  The Ladies Guild, which is Republican women, who previously never got along with us (mainly because they hated Hillary Clinton and I was convinced many of them were vampires), started doing different activities with us as we helped try to get you elected.  We’ve all found that the lot of us have more in common with each other than the crazy people who are now currently running the government from the far left.

Every day, someone from the Ladies Guild will say, “I can’t believe I’m having coffee with the Mineral City Coffee Club here in Hillaryland like this”, and I think, “I can’t believe these women are walking around in broad daylight without bursting into flames.” I even serve those cinnamon rolls with the little icing crosses on top and they eat them with no troubles at all (instead of having their mouths catch fire, which is what I would have thought would have happened just two years ago).

So, these appear to be very strange times indeed.  People who never agreed on anything are agreeing with one another, because we’re looking passed our differences and accusations of vampirism to the fact that we all love this country and don’t want to see it go backwards or descend into socialism.  We do not believe the current occupants of the White House are good people and we do not feel they love this country.  The current president had a very clear agenda upon coming to Washington, and it was not the “Hope”, “Change”, and unicorns he promised the gullible in his campaign.  We believe, and everyone in Mineral City agrees with us, that the Democrats in power now want to tank our economy, take over whatever remains at the end of the day, and deprive all of us of our freedoms.

I run my own aquaculture farm here in Central Ohio.  The other club members are all small businesswomen, too, except for Ann Millar who is lazy and still lives off the money her father left her.  I don’t care for that woman at all, but every morning, there she is at my door, mug in hand, wanting free coffee.  I’ve never once turned her away, because that’s not what we do here in Mineral City.  I don’t like the raccoons that come around to eat my garbage, either, but I never throw rocks or anything at them.  I think I just might be some kind of saint, as people in town often tell me.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, but I guess it’s because you seem like one of us.

You’re doing a fantastic job raising such wonderful kids.  You work so hard to fight corruption in government and put the bad guys in their place.  Our Coffee Club Secretary, Helen, is an EXPERT on the Internets and always lets us all know when you’ve made another of your Facebook posts.  Oh, she prints those out and we all gather around together, really close, and Helen will read them aloud and we get so fired up.  We practically want to get up and go door to door and read them to everyone in town — they are that good.  I could probably write some that were better, if I tried, but that’s not a knock against you, it’s just the reality that I’m older than you and have been doing this longer and am an excellent writer, perhaps the best in all of Mineral City.

You’re pretty good too, though, and we all loved your book (except Ann Millar, of course, who insisted on reading Dreams William Ayers Told My Father Whoever He Was, or whatever that book by the current president is called, instead of participating in the Going Rogue book club we held when your book came out).

This year, my holiday wish is that you become even more of a force on the national scene next year.  Normally, I wish my husband Earl would get a new hobby besides screwing around with model trains in the basement or I wish my 36 year-old daughter would finally grow up and take responsibility for actions.  But, since those wishes never come true, I’m going to start wishing about you now instead.

If you run for President in 2012, you can count on The Mineral City Coffee Club and the Ladies Guild joining forces to campaign for you. I’ll turn my kitchen into a little campaign office, humming with activity.  My son Robby loves you, and all his friends up in Chicago will work hard for you too up there.  We’ll all head into Iowa on the ground for you, and will go to as many states as we can in person to canvass.  We’ll phone bank like crazy for you, too, you betcha!

Just two years ago, at Christmas, we were on the ground for Hillary Clinton in Iowa, so we saw every nasty thing the current president and his surrogates did on his behalf.  I wanted to write in and let you know not only what support you have, but what you will be up against.  These people hate America, will stop at nothing to circumvent every rule and law we have, and will do anything imaginable to win.

The only person any of us think can stop him is you, Governor Palin.

You are our only hope.

As we make our little ornaments for our trees, and paste your face to the bulbs, adding little “Palin 2012s” to them in glitter and decorating them with moose stickers our Treasurer Annabelle found at JoAnn’s Fabrics, we mist up a little thinking about how much we want to see you in the Oval Office, and little Trig playing in his snowsuit on the White House lawn with big sister Piper starting in 2013.

We have no idea what you wish for, or what you are planning, but that’s our wish for you…and our wish for our country.

I have to let you go now, as these Christmas stockings are not going to stuff themselves, and that big CRASH! I just heard from the pantry means Earl’s gotten into Heaven knows how many cookies, so I better get back to it while I still have any cookies left at all.

But, Merry Christmas to you, Governor.  Merry Christmas to all the Palins, and the Heaths, and everyone in Alaska.  You will be well-represented in all the homes of Mineral City on our Christmas trees this year…and just so you know, we’re making plenty of ornaments to set aside for all the people of Iowa, should you make your run and we find ourselves going door to door in the Hawkeye State round about Christmas 2011, just like we did for Hillary.

Thank you for your service to this country, in the past, present, and FUTURE!

Patricia Melton

President-for-Life

The Mineral City Coffee Club