Here in Chicago, there’s a comedy troupe called “The Scooty and Jo Jo Show” that lampoons various movies with stage productions, randomly casting some of the parts as puppets.  During Halloween, they staged “The Carpenters’ Halloween”, which was a hilarious reimaging of John Carpenter’s Halloween, but set to Karen Carpenter and her brother’s music.  Normally, when we hear The Carpenters, we start thinking about how if only Karen and Mama Cass had shared that ham sandwich, both would be alive today…but the puppets kept us focused on what was going on.  The puppets, we realized, when employed effectively can be MAGIC.

Scooty and Jo Jo cast one puppet as Dr. Loomis, and the puppets as various background characters.  The main actors would carry the puppets around so the puppets could say things they were thinking, or couldn’t get away with saying. The puppets could be blamed for anything bad that happened, or any strange sounds or odors that occurred during the performance.  “Don’t look at me…it was the PUPPET!”.

Recently, the current first lady went on the show Seasame Street, for some reason that escapes us all.  “For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of Seasame Street.  Big Bird, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of you, because you have now met me. Elmo, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of you too.  Oscar, I don’t know why people call you a grouch, because you are more cheerful and scowl less than I do, even on days when I am proud of my country for the first time in my adult life.”

We wondered, “Why couldn’t Mrs. Utopia take one of those Muppets home with her from Seasame Street, and carry it everywhere she goes, so it could articulate all the things she wants to say, but can’t in her position?”.

Maybe this would improve her attitude and allow her to smile more, since the Muppet could do all the scowling.

Perhaps the Muppet could be the one to wear the hideous clothes with giant Playschool wrestling belts or childlike, insane bows.

The Muppet could go on all the reality TV shows like Iron Chef and Biggest Loser…while Mrs. Utopia could be freed up to go on reality shows that could actually help her, like Project Runway (because, face it, even on that crazy “shop for fabric at the supermarket challenge” those kids make nicer looking clothes than Jason Wu or Narcisso Rodriguez COMBINED).

The Muppet could hug her hip all day, muttering about RAAACISM, and essentially just making angry noises, like the static of a TV tuned in between channels.  That’s what we imagine plays inside Mrs. Utopia’s head 24/7.  If it’s channeled into the Muppet, perhaps, for the first time in her adult life, Mrs. Utopia could be cheerful and smile when not being given a present or told she is “the greatest fashion icon the world has ever seen” by people who need to have their vision checked (or blindness legally recognized).

The Muppet could do all the pushing and shoving.

The Muppet could do the farting through the silk.

The Muppet could send ridiculously inappropriate gifts to world leaders (an Ipod to the Queen of England, DVDs of movies they play every night on basic cable to a blind man, a Pocahontas coloring book to a prime minister’s sari-clad wife (getting “the kind of Indian” wrong)).

“Oh, we’re sorry Mrs. Prime Minister, that wasn’t the FLOTUS that did that.  It was her Muppet, an impish and perpetually scowling little goblin named Grievance.  And it wasn’t spoiled dilettante Desiree Rogers who allowed party crashers into the state dinner to meet your husband, that was Grievance as well.  Grievance is behind most of the odd and asinine things that happen in this White House.  Those bows to the diminutive Emperor of Japan and morbidly obese sweat machine that is the King of Saudi Arabia?  That was the current POTUS trying to chase Grievance away before she untied their shoes.  Grievance is a scowling, crazily-dressed, entitled handful.”

Grievance thinks it’s a good idea to dress up like an old woman’s couch.

Grievance ensures the only day the current FLOTUS looks pretty and appropriately dressed is Halloween.

Grievance ruins the gorgeous, enchanting inaugural gown the FLOTUS was supposed to wear, so an emergency Wilma Flintstone costume has to be made from ripped  up coffee filters (Project Runway supermarket challenge style) at the last moment.

Rumor has it some in the administration seek the help of Helen Jones-Kelley, disgraced former Director of Ohio’s Deparment of Jobs and Family Services, who was booted from office for abusing her authority to spy on private citizens in service of Dr. Utopia.  Jones-Kelley is central Ohio’s foremost Muppet hunter and trapper, skinning dozens of the creatures a week to make her famous bougie pastel fashions.  “There are two things I like to do in this world,” Jones-Kelley often says, “spy on ordinary citizens with government computers and then get caught, and also hunting, killing, and skinning Muppets, in no particular order.  And don’t I  look FABULOUS in my periwinkle finest doing it?  NeNe ain’t got nothing on me, girl”.

It appears it would be easy enough for Jones-Kelley to slip into the White House unnoticed any time she wants, as apparently it’s easier to get into than Princeton when the current FLOTUS attended.  Grievance could, thus, be removed at any moment.

But, for the current FLOTUS, where would the “proud of her country for the first time in her adult life” fun be in that?