Archive for November, 2009
Have you ever heard of the US Commission on Civil Rights (USCCR)?
Here’s an interesting article we clicked because we thought it was about Eric Holder and how terrible an Attorney General he is. In reality, it’s more about the US Commission on Civil Rights, a government entity we never knew existed.
The USCCR at first blush sounds like it would be something Leftists would adore, as it looks so similar to the USSR when acronymed like that. But, in reality, the USCCR is at the very least garlic if not Holy Water itself to Liberals:
The USCCR is something of an oddity. Created in 1957 as part of the Civil Rights Act, it conducts investigations, holds hearings, and publishes reports–about four a year–on the key civil rights issues it decides the nation is facing. (Half of its eight commissioners are appointed by the president, half by Congress, with not more than four allowed from the same party.) It has a minuscule budget ($9 million) and no power to enforce legislation. As Marcus explains, “Its sole power is the power of the bully pulpit. . . . It is the power to shame.” Today a majority of commissioners favor a “conservative” view of civil rights–opposition to racial preferences and adherence to a colorblind vision of the Constitution–which they believe mirrors the original vision of our civil rights legislation. The USCCR’s agenda includes voter fraud, the adverse impact of economic regulation on minority opportunity, school choice, and a number of other topics in conflict with liberals’ civil rights agenda.
We’re most interested in the voter fraud aspect of the USCCR, and will be looking into what it’s doing to combat ACORN.
But, additionally, it looks like the USCCR could also be an ally in the fight against the Race Industry in this country, too. We’re curious what the “number of other topics” could also be in the quote above: are these people a team of Van Helsings out battling a myriad of Liberal monsters, all on $9 million a year, with little to no publicity whatsoever?
If so, just imagine if the Tea Party and other activist movements could be the missing piece that gets the USCCR’s findings out to the public at large. The MSM is clearly suppressing the findings of the USCCR because they are at complete odds with what lunatics on the Left want.
Republicans and Independents should look into the USCCR, and if it’s as good as it sounds to us this morning, make sure we use it as a resource in all things going forward.
Sunday Open Thread: November 29th, 2009
What’s on your mind this Sunday?
We are now just 14 days away from the new national holiday of Obamamas, to be celebrated on December 13th with a lavish primetime special featuring the Charybdis of Lake Michigan herself, Oprah.
Have you started your Obamamas planning and party prep yet? That giant bathtub full of purple Kool-Aid is not going to make itself. Neither will the rice krispy unicorns. There is just enough time to get an empty suit dry-cleaned so it looks extra current-presidential for its display upon a bare aluminum pole in the center of your most prominent room, where it can be as ubiquitous and grating as television-loving Dr. Utopia himself.
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Switzerland has banned the construction of minarets at mosques. In other news, Switzerland is the only sane country in Europe with a verifiable spine.
Islam is not a religion. It is a crime and murder syndicate. It was started as an economic scheme by Muhammad to grab power and install himself as a religious leader. Though its history, Islam has used force and violence to expand itself ever outward in hopes of global conquest. Its followers praise the murder of nonbelievers and cheer in the streets when Muslim terrorists kill the innocent. Islam’s goal is to take over Europe, and we believe they have probably alread achieved that.
Will America allow itself to be next? Pretending Islam is not at war with the West is as foolish as believing in 1938 that Adolf Hitler was just a bad Charlie Chaplin impersonator with a bit of an aggression issue.
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Great Merciful Zeus, we forgot what it was like when the press actually reported the news and called Liberals out as the con artists and liars they are. Of course, it’s UK Telegraph doing this, not the American ObaMedia, but it’s a start.
They’re calling Climategate the greatest scientific scandal in 100 years. And if you read the article above, they frame things in a way we have not seen before: they say the root of what makes this scandal so BIG is that it was the small group of key scientists driving climate change alarm who were caught lying, fabricating data, and working in collusion to commit fraud.
This is huge.
We can’t imagine criminal prosecutions of some kind might not follow…perhaps leading even to Al Gore, another recent American Nobel Prize winner who we feel was less than deserving of the award.
Have regular Americans realized Anthropogenic Climate Change is a fraud?
If more articles like this in the Telegraph keep coming out – as we are sure they will – the American ObaMedia will be forced to report on this eventually.
One thing Americans hold in their craw and never let go is being lied to.
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Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse in Chicago right now, Scientology here is growing. Up until now, the Scientologists have been limited to a storefront…now they are taking over a whole building in Printer’s Row.
That’s really creepy.
And in the article, it seems Scientology has bought 70 historic buildings around the world to convert into its churches. By doing this, they move from storefronts where they look like crackpots into historic buildings that lend them instant credibility.
The only good side to all of this is that it feels like the pyramid scheme of Scientology will have to collapse under its own weight soon: the building and expansion is so massive, with so much money being put out there, that it will take a lot more money coming into the organization to sustain all this. There will indeed be a large increase in converts with these efforts…but Scientology was always really careful who it recruited before (rich, vain, stupid people, mainly, which made Hollywood such fertile recruitment ground).
Now, when they start going after greater numbers of people with less means to offer, the cult’s going to have a hard time controlling its membership. It’s one thing to keep a SWAT team on Tom Cruise at all times to make sure he never jumps ship (or couch). It’s another thing to watch hundreds (or, gasp, thousands) of Chicagoans.
If you read the story above, it’s nice a historic building is being renovated and put to use…but it’s just unfortunate Scientology is the one behind it.
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Does someone have time to pull Best Buy’s corporate contact information? Specifically we need physical mailing addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers, emails, and names for the following people:
(1) Best Buy CEO
(2) Best Buy CFO
(3) Best Buy COO
(4) Best Buy VP Marketing
(5) Best Buy General Counsel
We think it would be a worthwhile exercise to keep those political skills sharp by contacting Best Buy every day letting them know how much you expect them to promote whatever obscure holiday you can think of that’s coming up, since Best Buy is now promoting Islam in its advertisements. Every day, there is some Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu or Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday that’s uncelebrated. If Best Buy wants to get into the Islamization game, it can get into some Spaghetti Monster recognition too.
A month of this should net results.
AND, added bonus, just think of all the obscure holidays we can learn about in the process. Just think of the multiculturalism!
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Have you been reading about Dubai’s financial default? This is worth a longer post to itself, but we’ve been wanting to get a few comments out there on this.
First off, one of the most spoiled and self-absorbed people we know has long been a major fan of Dubai. This girl goes on and on about Dubai and what a paradise it is, and how they are building all of these marvelous things and how the MidEast is the future and she wants to move there, etc. The girl is delusional…and part of us wishes she would move there, because she has no idea what she’s talking about.
Dubai is one of the largest owners of slave labor in the world. Who do you think is building all those grand construction projects? Slaves brought in from Pakistan, China, and India. Yes, we said slaves, because that’s what a person becomes when they are not paid for their work, not allowed to go home, and are forced to live in shipping crates sleeping five men to a bed in the desert heat while wealthy Muslims count all the gold they are saving by not having to hire actual labor. Dubai is a slave state, though no one wants to talk about it in the 21st Century. And that’s not even getting into all the blond Eastern European women (and some blond men) who end up in Dubai for other forced services. There are all types of slaves in Dubai.
What’s been most ridiculous to us, all along, about Dubai was how it thought it could be a big tourist and luxury resort destination. You just can’t have that in a Muslim country, because the religious laws are so strict and crazy that people get arrested and caned all the time for having sex on the beach, getting too drunk, or generally being obnoxious, which are all three things Westerners love to do on a NORMAL day, let alone a VACATION. The British who go to Dubai seem particularly predisosed to these kinds of arrests, with the British embassy being forced to tell these idiots that while they are in Dubai they have to behave themselves or face the consequences.
In Hawaii, Tahiti, Aruba, etc. as long as you don’t kill someone while carousing, you are pretty much golden. Just don’t drink and drive TOO MUCH. Try not to be blatantly naked in the middle of town TWICE in one day. Don’t eat anyone. Those are basically the rules.
In Dubai, if you talk too loudly you might offend Islam in some way, unknowingly, and be beaten on the spot. A woman might have a little hair blow from under her scarf and find herself raped in broad daylight, later charged with a crime for inciting the incident, since Muslim men cannot control their desires and a woman’s hair waving in the sea breeze is the real perpetrator of any sex crimes. And don’t even think about being gay, since of course no one in Islam is gay…if you’re caught with another guy the embassy might not ever know what happened to you.
No matter how many gorgeous and interesting things Dubai builds, Dubai will still be a place where all the above happens. Why would Americans want to fly all the way over there when they can just go to Hawaii and have more fun? If you are going to make that long of a trip, why not go to Tahiti and Bora Bora? For Europeans, going to Spain is so much closer. If they want to experience Islamic brutality, they can also go to Morocco or Turkey (Midnight Express, anyone?). The Caribbean’s also a nice destination for European tourists where they don’t have to deal with the barbarism threat while trying to have a good time in the sun at a beach.
And speaking of which, all those construction projects, all that slave labor, all those rushed building schedules…well, they’ve all resulted in massive amounts of sewage being dumped into the water, polluting Dubai’s beaches. That giant hotel that looks like a sail boat? Do you know the beach there is regularly closed, for months at a time, because raw sewage washes up right where the $10,000 a night hotel rooms are supposed to have reserved cabannas.
Dubai was always a disaster in the making…a modern, non-sailing Titanic built by egoists who thought they could do the impossible, while bragging about it to high heaven.
Funny how that works out.
URGENT: Read this article on efforts to thwart Federal Reserve Audit
We don’t have time right now to comment on this further but will update tomorrow.
Here’s an article about efforts to thwart an audit of the Federal Reserve.
This is something else Republicans need to get behind and force to happen. Something is seriously wrong, and we believe George Soros has control of the Federal Reserve system…it’s what he is using to cause the economic havoc we’ve been facing lately.
It’s been a progression for us on this issue…we aren’t in the “End the Fed” camp, but are squarely on the side of the Federal Reserve being audited for the first time in its history.
There is NO VALID REASON this organization should exist in secret, with all the power it wields, and the potential that George Soros could actually control it and use it in all his schemes.
Republicans now have three vorpal blades to take down the Liberal jabberwock
We hope Republicans realize Christmas came early this year; they’ve been handed three vorpal blades with which to strike deep into the heart of the Liberals’ jabberwock.
(1) Climategate
(2) The Khalid Sheik Muhammad 9/11 trial in NYC
(3) ACORN, and more importantly, increasingly embattled Attorney General Eric Holder (see 2+3 = time bomb for the White House)
These are three areas that have the potential to drive a deep and perhaps generational wedge between average Americans and Liberals, in ways that could decimate the DNC if played correctly by the Republicans.
The goal should not be to create new Republicans with this stuff, because that would be overreaching and doing the impossible. We’re a great case study in this ourselves. No matter how bad we realize the Democrat party is today, we are not going to become Republicans. However, we’re precariously close to becoming Independents.
THAT should be the Republicans’ goal: to push enough people away from the DNC that they go Independent, so disgusted with what the Democrats stand for and how they’ve behaved in power.
The Climategate scandal has the potential to make people question everything Democrats say. It is the equivalent of finding a secret cell phone your spouse has kept, and reading all the sexts that have messaged back and forth between him and Clay Aiken. No matter what lame explanations are given, after this you will never look at your husband the same way again…and you most certainly will no longer be a Claymate.
People need charts explaining Climategate to them simply. The emails leaked are too much reading for average people. Remember Ross Perot and his graphs and charts? What if Republicans found someone with deep pockets like that who could take to the airwaves in a TV special and pound the Left on Climategate, in folksy terms that regular people could understand, to show them how the Left and the MSM lied to them all these years? Even better — what if that person doing the instructing was Sarah Palin, and she got her own TV special like the ones the current president always gets to push a Liberal agenda. All she needs to do is pay for it and it can go on the air…so Republican donors need to make that happen.
The Tea Party movement needs to merge with the 9/11 survivors and family lobbyists to work together to rile regular Americans up over Eric Holder, personally, and specifically over Holder’s gruesome decision to give KSM and the other Muslim terrorists a soap box in NYC to spout hatred at America and justify their actions by claiming how terrible this country is. When regular people see the Democrat party is FOR this nonsense, that’s a wedge that will be hard to heal for most people (already inclined as they are to believe Democrats hate America).
The same is true for ACORN.
Eric Holder is arguing in favor of ACORN receiving federal money. Jerry Brown in California, who is running for governor, believes ACORN is harmless, despite everything ACORN is doing to skirt the law and destroy evidence against it in order to survive. ACORN-backed Democrat Secretaries of State in many blue states work overtime to protect this criminal enterprise.
Republicans need to make regular Americans believe: Democrats = ACORN, criminals, anti-American, pro-Muslim, lying, con artists, Anthropogenic Global Warming fraud, socialists.
How best to do this is the operative question.
It is VERY hard to capture the general public’s attention with anything, especially as we hit December and there’s so much shiny tinsel everywhere. But there’s enough time to get some of this through to people so that when Christmas dinner rolls around and everyone gathers together from parts far-flung, they have something to talk about at that dinner table…and it should be how much Democrats have lied to them, and what they think about voting Republican for the first time in their lives in the next elections.
Saturday Open Thread: November 28th, 2009
What’s on your mind this Saturday?
You have just 15 days to prepare for the new national holiday of Obamamas, to be held December 13th from this year forward in the golden Age of Hope and Change. Do you have your Obamamas decorations, food, presents, and aluminum pole ready yet?
If you aren’t celebrating Obamamas, then you are a damn dirty RAAACIST.
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If you are in Chicago, please take part in one of our most favorite of all things: the Christmas Train. It’s something oddball and fun the CTA does here every year, that the PC-crowd and grinches have not managed to spoil (like that awful Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky in Seattle who made them pull down all the Christmas trees a few years ago).
The Christmas Train is one of the greatest surprises we ever had in Chicago. One day, we were just waiting for the Brown Line a few years ago, and instead of a normal train, this garish, red and green, peppermint striped monstrosity showed up at the station. Inside, Christmas carols played, there were midgets dressed up as elves, haranguing people to sing, women dressed up like Mrs. Claus were passing out candy canes, men dressed like reindeer were dancing, the inside of the car was covered with wrapping paper, all the chrome in the train was peppermint striped. It was surreal and incredible and the greatest surprise we’ve ever had in the city.
Turns out the Christmas Train is a great tradition here, one that people actually look at the schedule to ride (unlike us, who just found it by happenstance).
If you are in Chicago through the holidays, try and ride it. We’ll do our best to clue you in on days the train is running…but you can always find the schedule here: Chicago 2009 Christmas Train.
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How big a deal is it that the White House continuously misspells things they consider unimportant?
CNN posted the menu from the lavish, “night at Versailles”, unbelievably expensive State Dinner Dr. and Mrs. Utopia hosted this week, riddled with spelling errors.
Here are the errors CNN noted, only two of which we would have even caught (highlighted):
–The Riesling was bottled in “Willamette Valley, Oregon” not “Wilamette Valley”; guests were actually offered a “2007 Grenache” (not a “2007 Granache”) and a “Thibaut-Janisson Brut” (not a “Thibaut Janisson Brut”)
–The meal featured “chick peas” (not “chickpeas”)
–The dessert “Gelees” were missing an accent on the final “e”
These are things that, personally, we would have never cared about. We also don’t use spellcheck here on WordPress because we don’t have enough time to ever proof anything we write here. But, we are not paid by the American people to snark on this blog. We’re also not doing anything here that’s as important as a State Dinner while working at the White House, where every piece of paper produced in the Administration will indeed become part of the historic record.
So, is spelling a big deal?
In the full scope of things, we’d have to say yes, it is. If the White House is supposed to run at the highest level possible, then it should be running on all cylinders at all times, at the maximum level of attention to detail as possible. This is our ship of state, and every spelling or grammatical error the staff allows into final copy is one more rivet to burst at the seams…and too many of those popped means the chances of a Titanic-style disaster increase dramatically.
Why?
Because people who don’t sweat the small things can’t be trusted with medium-sized or large things…where do these people draw the line for what’s important and what’s not?
We’d be amazed if something like this happened at Buckingham Palace, or the Elysee Palace, or even the Blue House in Korea. We’d be stunned if this sloppiness was tolerated in the Kennedy White House…or would have been allowed in Hillaryland when the Clintons were president in the 90s. It would be interesting to see if anyone can find such lack of attention in either of the Bush presidencies, too.
Can people unable to spell chickpeas correctly really handle 3 am disaster calls?
In a world where comma placement often makes or breaks treaties, every dotted “i” and crossed “t”, or missing accent mark, really does matter. Especially to foreigners, who often enjoy rubbing anything they can in Americans’ faces. We’ve known more than a few people from overseas who hang on every word we say or write just looking for a spelling or gramatical mistake. We’ve also told you about David, Sebastian’s ex, who had Asperger’s Syndrome and was OBSESSED with diagramming every sentence anyone said to prove they used a word incorrectly.
It was insane.
For us, it feels like Alex Rodriguez taking the field for a Yankees game without bothering to check if he remembered to put on his pants. Surely, not many people will mind if he played the game strutting around in his jock. Some in the crowd would be bemused and delighted by the carelessness, laughing, pointing, having a gay old time. People who don’t like A-Rod would relish the fact he was so stupid to let it all hang out like that. Those who were fans would look the other way, pretending it never happened.
But, no matter how good a game he played, the carelessness would be what people remembered. It’s a needless distraction for someone who is paid and trusted to operate at the highest level of the game always.
So, attention to detail does matter.
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Something fun for a Saturday: here’s what we imagine the inside of Dr. Utopia field operative Helen Jones-Kelley’s head looks like (the fraction of skull space that’s not filled with pudding, that is):
How easy is it to crash something like a State Dinner?
We debated on whether or not to address this in a post, because we don’t intend this to be a “How to” for crashing private events — and we can’t talk about Michelle and Tariq Salahi faking their way into the White House without noting how, honestly, easy it is to do these sorts of things.
All of us here are, or have been, event planners or worked in hotels and restaurants either in college or grad school or otherwise through the years.
Based on all of our experiences, especially at high-end events here in Chicago, or at super-lux hotels in other cities, it’s remarkably easy to gain access to just about any event, provided the following:
(1) You look the part: so you are dressed up expensively for an event like the State Dinner, are wearing business attire for nice cocktail parties/candidate events, or are dressed in nice evening wear for things like society wedding receptions
(2) You are a male/female couple (drawing less attention than someone alone, or two men or two women together)
(3) You take the time to figure out what other events are going on that night — so just in case you are stopped going in somewhere, you can say, “Isn’t this the Horowitz Bar Mitzvah? I saw Susan Zuckerman walk this way and we just followed her in…we are SO embarrassed! Can you point us in the right direction?”. And while you are standing there in the room, and the person who stopped you is directing you, you scan the room for the service entrances off the banquet service corridor, memorizing them, so that you can try to use that back door to enter the room later.
(4) You bring rocks glasses (like for scotch) with you (so that if you can’t get a drink at a bar somewhere and bring it to the event, you can have them in a purse ready to use as props). People carrying drinks look like they just left the event for a smoke (as no one is allowed to smoke inside)…and can use the “oh, we’re in there, we’re just going back in because we were smoking”. If you are smart, you will have gotten enough cigarette smoke on you before you try this so that it “feels right” to whomever’s at the door
(5) As mentioned above, use back doors as much as possible…all banquet and event rooms are serviced by discrete doors leading to service hallways. Drunk guests wander back there all the time, and the service staff, if they see you, can easily be told “oh, we’re lost…we thought this was the way to the bathroom”. Older venues in Chicago are a warren of these service areas.
(6) If you speak a foreign language other than Spanish, you are GOLDEN. If stopped, pretend you don’t know English and start gibbering away. The reason Spanish isn’t good is because a large part of the behind the scenes staff in hotels is Mexican, so there would be no problem at all finding an interpreter for you. But Latvian, Polish, and even French? You can easily get away with being confused, then use broken English to convey that you were just trying to get to the event and are lost…and someone will be happy to help you.
At really nice hotels, in particular, anyone who is dressed like they have a lot of money and are a legitimate guest can get away with just about anything. The staff is so terrified of offending any hotel guests and causing a scene (because the guests are always right, no matter what they do, and in this economy firing a banquet server is easy to do, as former mortgage brokers and day traders are now working banquets to make ends meet, so hotels know they can replace just about anyone tomorrow).
The only thing that’s tough to pull off is sneaking into an event where food is served, because the place settings are written in stone, with the food costs under strict control.
Cocktail parties, fundraisers, seminars, etc. are much, much easier to slip into. Especially if there is an option to have paid for the ticket online. Chances are, the person working the registration table will believe you if you tell them you paid for your ticket online…and that you did it that morning. Then there’s the variable introduced that you might have really paid for it, but that they were working off an old list for checkin, which happens.
But, the Salahis sneaking into a State DINNER is what’s really odd, as seated dinners have the strictest guest lists of all because of the aforementioned food controls (the numbers for how many plates to serve are checked and double checked, and the kitchen won’t make any more than is absolutely required because a chef has high food costs to control and a tight budget to work from…literally, there is rarely even one extra plate made).
The only times we’ve seen people have an easy go at sneaking into seated dinners are when:
(A) There are a lot of no-shows expected, so there is not a tight count of who’s there
(B) There are a lot of people who for whatever reason have been left off the guest list and are labeled as just “Friends of So-and-So” etc.
At some events, there are people who don’t want their names to be on a guest list, or people who get invited at the last minute, never confirmed they were coming, etc. and are just under some sort of umbrella reservation. “Oh, we’re with the group from Wisconsin. We didn’t think we’d make it, but we did. Tina told us to just say we were “the Wisconsin people” when we arrived”.
This sort of thing is maddening for anyone running event check-in, but it happens all the time. Typically, the person looking at the guest list will nominally pretend to be checking it, and might offer a little resistance, but if the people look like they belong there and there’s a long checkin line, they’ll just wave them in.
It sure feels to us that there were a lot of people at that State Dinner who were not on an official guest list — and that their names weren’t listed for whatever reason.
So, having two people like the Salahis arrive, who looked like they belonged, but didn’t have names on the list didn’t strike anyone as odd, apparently. Especially not if something like that had been happening all night anyway.
We have a sinking suspicion more people than any of us will ever know were at that State Dinner without being on an actual guest list.
You are hereby ordered by the State of Utopia to prepare merrily for Obamamas, December 13th
Festivus, which is RAAACIST, has lost its aluminum pole and airing of grievances to the new holiday of Obamamas
As we reported the other day, Dr. Utopia, our illustrious current president, has become so jealous of “that nobody” the baby Jesus that he’s ordered an Oprah-sized “holiday special” on ABC (the All-Barack-Channel) for December 13th to commemorate the nation’s first “Obamamas”, a holiday sandwiched between Thanksgiving and Christmas that honors the nation’s first admittedly biracial president.
When Abraham Lincoln, who was president so long ago the only thing he’s good for these days is for use by the current president as an endless campaign prop, officially made Thanksgiving a holiday in the 1860s, hardly anyone knew what to do to celebrate it. Some people would have just smacked themselves upside the head repeatedly the whole day if they weren’t given proper direction — and a convenient list of Thanksgiving Do’s, Don’ts, and Definitelys.
Clearly, the new national holiday of Obamamas is the chance for all Americans to be proud of December 13th for the first time in their adult lives.
The holiday will culminate with the airing of the new Oprah Obamamas Holiday Extravaganza on ABC, but throughout the day all Americans are directed to spend the day honoring the current First Family, lest they be called “damn, dirty RAAACISTS”.
Here are some Obamamas-related hints that we’ve been able to gather so far:
* Keep the decorations as close to Smurf blood blue as possible. This effiminate, weak color of blue is Dr. Utopia’s favorite. In 2008, it was used extensively, from his creepy campaign posters to the fake presidential seal he created for his personal use.
* Everything should be as gaudy and self-serving as possible. Obamamas is not a day for volunteering or doing anything remotely good for anyone else. If possible, instead of giving gifts, you should steal small things from your neighbors, things they won’t notice are missing. Like their freedoms. Or, possibly, their garden gnomes.
* Women should wear hideous dresses made from upholstery fabric. Men should wear shiny, tight pants that frame their rumps well, as Obamamas’ official greeting is a deep bow, followed by a drop to the knees grovel, just like Dr. Utopia does when meeting Muslim royalty or encountering anyone with the title “Emperor” somewhere on their business cards.
* Refreshments that should be served include, but are not limited to:
- arugula salad tossed with ACORNs and other nuts with a bitter, clingy vinaigrette dressing
- large vats of purple Kool-Aid (so reminiscent of the waters of Lethe)
- hope
- whatever you can take from your neighbor’s fridge and redistribute to your guests
- rainbow sherbet melted into random puddles here and there throughout your apartment
- rice crispy unicorns
* Family members should take turns reading directly from one of the two Holy Books of Obamamas: “Dreams My Father Told William Ayers” and “The Audacity of Promising Things I Have No Intention of Delivering”
* Your former Festivus aluminum poles are now Obamamas poles, because Festivus, like almost everything else in America, is RAAACIST. You will take your Obamamas pole and hang an empty suit from it, to honor our Lightbringer in the manner most reminiscent and befitting to him. Use wire hangers, Joan Crawford be damned.
* “The Ayering of Racial Grievances” will be held in your living room, near your Obamamas pole. You will open your windows and stand in the middle of the room to shout loudly all the ways in which you are a RAAACIST for not giving all your money and everything you worked hard for to random black people. If you have a job, you will tell how sorry you are that a black person does not have that job instead. Everyone in the room should take out crayons and paper plates and draw pictures of their favorite Race Industry leaders, such as Al Sharpton, Henry Gates, Jesse Jackson, Eric Holder, Spike Lee, James Clyburne, John Lewis, Deval Patrick, and of course, Dr. and Mrs. Utopia themselves. Tape these plates to your Obamamas pole so everyone can know how glad you are to have these people in our national lives, doing the things they do all day to distinguish themselves.
* Force someone you know to join a union against his or her will
* Fill out voter registration forms for as many dead people or cartoon characters as you can think of. String these forms around your apartment the way you used to string Christmas lights. Marvel at how many fraudulent voter registrations you can complete.
* Make sure there’s enough room around your Obamamas pole (with its empty suit) for the Obamamas barely-clad male dancers to shake and shimmy. This is Obamamas’ nod to the Nativity scene during the former holiday of Christmas, where a miniature stable was put on display to remember the manger in Bethlehem where the Christ child was born. Since no one is still sure where Dr. Utopia was born, you could either use acqaurium figurines to recreate a Hawaiian or Indonesian village, or make miniature Kenyan huts for yourself. Or, you could get the strippers to recall the many fun times a young state senator had at Man’s Country in Andersonville. It’s all good, and totally up to you, but the less the men wear the more accurate Obamamas will be.
