Festivus, which is RAAACIST, has lost its aluminum pole and airing of grievances to the new holiday of Obamamas

As we reported the other day, Dr. Utopia, our illustrious current president, has become so jealous of “that nobody” the baby Jesus that he’s ordered an Oprah-sized “holiday special” on ABC (the All-Barack-Channel) for December 13th to commemorate the nation’s first “Obamamas”, a holiday sandwiched between Thanksgiving and Christmas that honors the nation’s first admittedly biracial president.

When Abraham Lincoln, who was president so long ago the only thing he’s good for these days is for use by the current president as an endless campaign prop, officially made Thanksgiving a holiday in the 1860s, hardly anyone knew what to do to celebrate it. Some people would have just smacked themselves upside the head repeatedly the whole day if they weren’t given proper direction — and a convenient list of Thanksgiving Do’s, Don’ts, and Definitelys.

Clearly, the new national holiday of Obamamas is the chance for all Americans to be proud of December 13th for the first time in their adult lives.

The holiday will culminate with the airing of the new Oprah Obamamas Holiday Extravaganza on ABC, but throughout the day all Americans are directed to spend the day honoring the current First Family, lest they be called “damn, dirty RAAACISTS”.

Here are some Obamamas-related hints that we’ve been able to gather so far:

* Keep the decorations as close to Smurf blood blue as possible.  This effiminate, weak color of blue is Dr. Utopia’s favorite.  In 2008, it was used extensively, from his creepy campaign posters to the fake presidential seal he created for his personal use.

* Everything should be as gaudy and self-serving as possible.  Obamamas is not a day for volunteering or doing anything remotely good for anyone else.  If possible, instead of giving gifts, you should steal small things from your neighbors, things they won’t notice are missing.  Like their freedoms. Or, possibly, their garden gnomes.

* Women should wear hideous dresses made from upholstery fabric.  Men should wear shiny, tight pants that frame their rumps well, as Obamamas’ official greeting is a deep bow, followed by a drop to the knees grovel, just like Dr. Utopia does when meeting Muslim royalty or encountering anyone with the title “Emperor” somewhere on their business cards.

* Refreshments that should be served include, but are not limited to:

- arugula salad tossed with ACORNs and other nuts with a bitter, clingy vinaigrette dressing

- large vats of purple Kool-Aid (so reminiscent of the waters of Lethe)

- hope

- whatever you can take from your neighbor’s fridge and redistribute to your guests

- rainbow sherbet melted into random puddles here and there throughout your apartment

- rice crispy unicorns

* Family members should take turns reading directly from one of the two Holy Books of Obamamas:  “Dreams My Father Told William Ayers” and “The Audacity of Promising Things I Have No Intention of Delivering”

* Your former Festivus aluminum poles are now Obamamas poles, because Festivus, like almost everything else in America, is RAAACIST.  You will take your Obamamas pole and hang an empty suit from it, to honor our Lightbringer in the manner most reminiscent and befitting to him.  Use wire hangers, Joan Crawford be damned.

* “The Ayering of Racial Grievances” will be held in your living room, near your Obamamas pole.  You will open your windows and stand in the middle of the room to shout loudly all the ways in which you are a RAAACIST for not giving all your money and everything you worked hard for to random black people.  If you have a job, you will tell how sorry you are that a black person does not have that job instead.  Everyone in the room should take out crayons and paper plates and draw pictures of their favorite Race Industry leaders, such as Al Sharpton, Henry Gates, Jesse Jackson, Eric Holder, Spike Lee, James Clyburne, John Lewis, Deval Patrick, and of course, Dr. and Mrs. Utopia themselves.   Tape these plates to your Obamamas pole so everyone can know how glad you are to have these people in our national lives, doing the things they do all day to distinguish themselves.

* Force someone you know to join a union against his or her will

* Fill out voter registration forms for as many dead people or cartoon characters as you can think of.  String these forms around your apartment the way you used to string Christmas lights.  Marvel at how many fraudulent voter registrations you can complete.

* Make sure there’s enough room around your Obamamas pole (with its empty suit) for the Obamamas barely-clad male dancers to shake and shimmy.  This is Obamamas’ nod to the Nativity scene during the former holiday of Christmas, where a miniature stable was put on display to remember the manger in Bethlehem where the Christ child was born.  Since no one is still sure where Dr. Utopia was born, you could either use acqaurium figurines to recreate a Hawaiian or Indonesian village, or make miniature Kenyan huts for yourself.  Or, you could get the strippers to recall the many fun times a young state senator had at Man’s Country in Andersonville.  It’s all good, and totally up to you, but the less the men wear the more accurate Obamamas will be.