HillBuzz

"Did I do that?"

 Here in Boystown, we’ve noticed people are loathe to admit they were wrong about most things unless they have somoene they can blame it all on. They need a convenient scapegoat who “tricked them” in some way, or else they’ll just keep defending whatever bad decision they made — lest they be forced to admit they were just plain stupid. 

Over the months, many LGBTQ have come to realize electing Dr. Utopia was an enormous mistake, though they aren’t ready to admit it yet. But their feelings on him have changed markedly over the last year:

* During the general election campaign, low-information fops repeated the MSNBC/CNN/NYT talking points that anyone who didn’t vote for Dr. Utopia was a damn, dirty RAAACIST and anyone who thought McCain would have been a better president might as well have been in the Klan

* Between November 2008-January 20th, 2009, the same fops insisted that anyone who didn’t drop to their knees and praise The Great Spaghetti Monster for delivering unto us “The Lightbringer” and wasn’t so excited by the “Inauguration of the first admittedly part black president” that they were in serious danger of spontaneous combustion was just a damn dirty RAAACIST

* From January 20th, 2009 (the day all Race Cards expired, we must note) to this summer, the fops insisted “there’s not enough time to judge him…give him time, he will keep all his promises, we swear”.  Anyone who didn’t believe that was, of course, a damn dirty RAAACIST

Most of you out there don’t realize this, but the “Gay Year” pretty much ends and begins again at Pride, which is the last Sunday of June. So much effort is put into the Pride festivals and Pride parade that, literally, the Monday after 2009′s Pride ended planning started for 2010.  Psychologically, the gay community, at large turns the calendar ahead at the end of June and starts looking forward to the next year (just as many of us start designing next year’s Halloween costume on November 1st).  

A lot of gays were boy scouts…and we like to plan ahead (if not still try to squeeze into those old khaki uniforms for at least the aforementioned Halloween). 

During most of 2008, a theater company we used to love here in Chicago called GayCo was, like the MSM, an extension of the Obama campaign.  The actors, writers, director, and tech crew were largely Obots…of the most low-information variety, we have to tell you.  These are the kind of people who would say things like, “Nyu-uh, oh no, it doesn’t matter that Obama didn’t march in Pride, and has never marched in a Pride parade, it just matters that he says Hope and I like Hope.  It sounds like soap and I like soap too.  I eat the soap.” In response to anything critical of Dr. Utopia, their Savior and Lightbringer, including his atrocious record on LGBTQ rights, the GayCo gang would get severely flummuxed and say, “Oh, yah, yah, well McCain’s a RAAACIST and you’re a RAAACIST Republican because you just don’t want a black man to be president!”.  Then, they would stomp off in a big flurry of glitter and farts and seek comfort in a corner of a bar where they “didn’t have to think about anything anymore”, so convinced that Dr. Utopia was really going to give them their unicorns. 

Well, post-2009 Pride, GayCo has opened it’s new show this week, called “The Audacity of Nope”, all about Dr. Utopia’s broken promises to the LGBTQ community.  The subtitle of the show is, “How we fell for a pansy scheme”…a riff on Bernie Maddof’s ponzi scheme, which is also worked into the show, we assume.  As soon as we have a chance to see the production, we’ll tell you all about it, we promise. 

If you are in Chicago, go see this at Strawdog Theater on Halsted (near the I-Hop and Grace), every Friday and Saturday until December 12th, 2009

It’s heartening for us that GayCo has come to its senses because we really and truly do think they are the best theater troupe in the city…and it was painful to watch them relentlessly shill the Kool-Aid last year.  We lost a few good friendships over the 2008 campaign, all from gay guys who were so upset we campaigned for McCain/Palin that one of them actually threw a drink in our face (which was funny, because that single martini at MiniBar cost more than everything we were wearing at the time, so the drink may have been on us, but the joke was solidly on them). 

Cleve Jones, LGBTQ activist, friend of Harvey Milk, and originator of the Project AIDS Memorial Quilt was in Chicago not long after Pride 2009 and he flat-out called gays idiots for blind voting Democrat and believing Dr. Utopia was going to keep any of his promises.  You should have seen the looks on people’s faces when he said that: since the LGBTQ community largely parrots what they hear “smart people on TV” say, and Cleve Jones was presented to them as “a very smart person who was not only on TV a lot but also was played by cutie Emile Hirsch in a MOVIE”, they just didn’t know what to do with themselves when he told them to stop blind-voting Democrat and proclaiming Dr. Utopia their savior.  All the little squirrels in their exercise wheels inside their heads started doing major Pilates over that one.  Some people were so confused they forgot their own names while trying to grasp the concept.  “Brendon!  BRENDON! BRENNNNDON!  It’s okay bro.  You’re Brendan, and you are totally a bartender at MiniBar who completely ROCKS OUT in his suspenders and tight, elongated v-neck tee.  You’re just thinking too hard, buddy.  You need to just focus on Chase Crawford or something and you’ll be all better in no time, baby. No time”. 

During Halloween, we went to a lot of costume shops and saw people trying on, but never buying, Dr. Utopia masks, wondering how many of them would go as “our first partially black president” to costume parties.  While observing various people trying on their masks, we accidentally on purpose overheard many conversations about the current president.  ”He hasn’t done a damn thing!” “That Nobel Prize is the biggest joke since Tom Cruise married poor little Katie”.  ”I am still waiting for my Hope and Change.  Maybe I can pay my rent with it when it finally shows up”. 

We think more people would be riled up against Dr. Utopia if they had someone to blame for their own stupidity in supporting him. 

If there’s one thing that’s bigger than naked porn star Twister at Steamworks in this town, it’s the blame-game. 

“Brendan!  You TOTALLY bought last month’s new Ipod when this month’s new Ipod is silver and Sting and January Jones says it helps the Rainforest or sharks or something, or shark forests, so you totally f***ed it all up again, Brendan!”

“No way…I only did it because Leighton Meister told me to buy the red one because she had it on Gossip Girl and I am TOTALLY NEVER WATCHING THAT SHOW AGAIN NOW.  Bitch.”

Whether it was also buying the wrong kind of designer mutt (“Cockapoos were so 2007, Brendan, what were you thinking?”), drinking the wrong soy latte (“Nobody goes to Starbucks anymore, BRENDAN, everyone’s going to Intelligentsia now, unless they are dead and stupid”), or working out at the wrong gym (“Balley’s doesn’t even have towel service and they don’t have a steam room you can get doing anything that would make them throw you out for, BRENDAN”), Liberals in Boystown love having someone else to blame for any mistakes they make, since “denial of all accountability” is intrinsically grafted onto the fabulous gene. 

We surmise this pervades all of Liberaldumbdom, and not just Boystown. 

It would, thus, be interesting if somehow Republicans could strategically make every disaffected Liberal believe the only reason they voted for Dr. Utopia was because Oprah told them to. 

This frees them up to see Dr. Utopia for who he really is, because they would no longer have to invest so much energy into defending their choice to support him.  As it stands now, absent a scapegoat, Brendan has to keep insisting he really believes Dr. Utopia will keep all of his promises and deliver unto Boystown a cavalcade of unicorns.  

If Brendan had someone to blame for his vote — someone in the shape of an insatiable, world-devouring, Greek sea monster like Lake Michigan’s very own Charybdis, Oprah Winfrey — then he could do what every other gay guy typically does, and pass the buck onto her. 

“Yah, that Obama is such a liar.  He never keeps any of his promises and his wife wears clown clothes.  That damn Oprah told me to vote for him and I listened to her.  This is all her fault.  I hate her.  She’s fugly.”

“Yah, you tell ‘em Brendan.  Yah.”

“Yah.  I know.”

“Yah.”

You have no idea, tragically, how little of this is satire.  Spend an evening at MiniBar, Scarlet, or Spin and see for yourself. 

Find a way to remind voters of Oprah’s historic endorsement of Dr. Utopia as “The One”.  Give them this out, and let them all say that Oprah hoodwinked them…that none of this would have happened if not for her…and then just watch all the Brendans in the Liberal fold come forward with their disappointment and anger in him. 

Yah.