HillBuzz

National Coming Out Day 2009

Today we specifically urge Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, and White House Chief of Staph Staff and former male ballerina Congressman Rammed Manhole Rahm Emanuel to come out of the closet on National Coming Out Day.  

These are three men who could make a world of difference by being open and honest with their constituents, or all Americans, as the case may be (since Emanuel doesn’t really have any constituents anymore, since leaving Congress, not that he cared much about any of them when he had them).  

Schock, in particular, could have a spectacular (and dare we say fabulous) career in politics for many years if he would just come out:  if he thinks he’s a media darling now, as the youngest member of Congress, just imagine what a rock star he would be if he was the face of gay Republicans instead of the bumbling, often bizarre, Log Cabin crowd.

A young, smart, great looking, buff, honest and open Schock would rock the covers of People and US Weekly and TIME, as well as the Advocate/Genre/Instinct/Windy City Times circuit.  He’d instantly be an impressive (and, once again, fabulous) challenger to gray, incompetent slug Senator Dick Durbin in 2014.

A young gay Republican might lose some votes downstate (to idiots on the conservative side who would never vote for Durbin, but who would instead just “sit the election out”, as conservatives are apt to do in their most asinine and self-destructive of strategies), but he would make up for them in rainbow spades in Cook County.  

How on Earth could Democrats smash down a young gay man trying to become the first openly gay US Senator?  

Schock may very well shock everyone and carry Boystown, even if the LGBTQ community STILL refuses to vote anything but Democrat by and large (we sure as Hell would campaign our hearts for the guy).

If Republicans get just an extra 4% in Cook County, they win the state.  At the very least, there would be many, many gays who would “sit it out” and not vote for Durbin — even if they couldn’t bring themselves to pull the Republican lever for the first time in their lives — just because they couldn’t in good conscience cast a ballot against a fellow gay man (who just so happens to be 8-pack hot). 

So, it could very easily be Senator Schock in 2014…but that’s not going to happen if he keeps posing for those outrageously fake and unbelievable photos with busty bikini-clad women he so very clearly has no more interest in than Oprah’s got for a leafy green salad bar.  

And, yes, those bodacious booby photos, and the deception his staff engaged in promoting the same, DOES INDEED MATTER.  

It matters because he’s tacitly lying to his constituents.  

It matters because Schock’s using sex and his bringing-sexy-back-physique to build his brand and grab adoring media attention.

He is the only member of Congress we are aware of who poses poolside in a bathing suit for photos (thank Great Merciful Zeus Nancy Pelosi’s not tried this stunt herself) he knows are going to be distributed nationally.  Schock put his sexuality into play with those photos…and the full court press to garner as much media drooling from them as possible.  

And that makes Schock’s antics in Boystown while in Chicago perpetually relevant (where the joke after any Schock public appearance, after his departure from the stage always is, “Q: Where’d Schock go?  A: Uh, about three blocks east, to Halsted, in a hurry.  It’s Showtunes night at Sidetracks.”).  

And THAT relevance makes Democrats look for Schock in Boystown whenever he’s in Chicago giving any kind of speech or attending any sort of event.  It is only a matter of time before pics will be snapped of Schock at Sidetracks (where Chicago Public Schools chief Ron Huberman used to hide in plain site), MiniBar, Scarlet or some other dark bar on Halsted doing Liberace knows what.  

If we or someone we know ever snaps those pics (and almost everyone has a camera phone these days), we will give them to Schock himself so he has the chance to come out before he’s outed.  We have sworn to a dear friend we will give him that chance.  We would never publish photos of Schock in a gay bar without giving him the chance to come out first. We swear. 

But, Democrat operatives we know in Chicago have their own teams working…and they are forever on the lookout for Schock.

That, right there, is primarly why we started talking about all of this here…we want Schock to get ahead of this and maximize the benefits to himself, Neil Patrick Harris style, instead of getting derailed and pigeon-holed a la Chad Allen.  If you didn’t grow up a gay boy in the Midwest circa the mid-1980s, with crushes on blonde TV Tiger Beat hearthrobs on ridiculous primetime shows, you might have no idea whatsoever who we are talking about — so the Cliff’s Notes are that NPH came out gracefully and forcefully, standing up with pride and commanding his rightful place on television and in his acting career (way to go Doogie!)…while  Allen was outed by Globe Magazine, in speedo-clad all-boy pool party photos that would have blanched Rock Hudson (which is fitting, since that’s most-def the Golden Girl old man about town Hudson would be).  That happened while Allen starred as Cowboy Sherrif McHottie on CBS’ Dr. Quinn Doctor Lady (the Western yawner with the Jane Seymour who has really long hair, paints crummy pictures and makes bad jewelry, and was in one of the extra-terrible James Bond movies in the 70s/early 80s (when they pretty much just stopped trying) — not to be confused with the historical Jane Seymour, who was, tragically, the first “died” in the old “divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived” Tudor rhyme). 

We want Schock to survive and thrive. 

We want Schock to run for the Senate and defeat that loathsome, dimwitted pig Dick Durbin in 2014…becoming the first openly gay US Senator. 

We want Schock to grow as a man and elected official and master the Senate protocols so that he could be considered to become the first openly gay Vice President of the United States before the 2020s are over.  

Could you just imagine how a Palin-Schock ticket could make heads explode at some point?  The loons on the Left wouldn’t know where to hit. The religious nuts on the Right wouldn’t know what to do.  It would be glorious.  2024, baby.  

Maybe he could be our first openly gay president someday.  

And it could all start by coming out today, Congressman.  Come out, be who you are, and see that the people of Peoria still support you.  The people of Illinois will support you.  Boystown will support you.  Large swaths of Democrat-controlled Cook County would support you.  And, most importantly of all, somewhere, Neil Patrick Harris would support you…and isn’t that all that really matters. The Doogie vote wins out every time. 

As for Crist and Emanuel, coming out really does nothing for either of them, but it would end the Paul Lynde-grade redunkulousness of their charades.

Crist is so orange and creepy that even if he came out as an Ooompa Loompa and admitted he works for Wonka Chocolates no one outside Florida would find him the least bit more appealing. And anyone who takes one look at him sees instant gay-face.  His wife is heiress to a novelty company that makes fake BEARDS, for crying out loud.  It’s well documented he used to appear at The Green Iguana gay bar in Tampa, Florida, where he was apparently known as Charlotte Ray (of sunshine), in full-blown Mrs. Garrett drag (forever looking for his Mr. Drummond…and those elusive diff’rent strokes). The man couldn’t be more obviously closeted if he was drawn by Matt Groening, worked for a spindly plutocrat at a nuclear power plant, collected Malibu Stacey dolls…and was Waylon “Friend of Dorothy” Smithers. 

And Emanuel’s a former Julliard ballet dancer, who had an awful lot of fun at Studio 54 in its heyday, can break into showtunes at the drop of Liza Minnelli’s sparkle-encrusted hat, and has mysterious outings with unnamed male Secret Service agents around Washington, DC, sharing popcorn and delighting in the latest Sandra Bullock rom-com, apparently. 

The first openly gay Governor of Florida and White House Chief of Staff would indeed be big steps for these two to take, and as creepy and strange and goblin-like as they both are, to various degrees, we think they’d do a lot of good for the LGBTQ communities…as well as themselves.  

It sure as Hell would be better for the collective cause than Larry Craig getting caught tap dancing in Minnesota bathrooms. 

Schock, Crist, and Emanuel have to come out someday.  In the end, everyone does…or has it done for them (Rock Hudson and Liberace were barely cold before the lies crumbled — and they had staffs of people proclaiming their heterosexuality from the mountains (of BS) for YEARS…but in the end, you know damn well what their obits were headlined with). 

 It would be glorious if Shock in particular would come out when he’s young and vibrant and a rising star, when it can do the most good (for him and others), and could inspire so many to come out, come out wherever they are too.