Archive for September, 2009
BREAKING: WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PRESIDENT'S SEPTEMBER 8th ADDRESS TO SCHOOL CHILDREN. TOP SECRET ADVANCE COPY.
Someone we know from Chicago, who works in the White House now, just leaked us this advance copy of the upcoming address Dr. Utopia’s going to make to school children on September 8th. Personally, we’re surprised it’s so subtle and understated, considering the egomaniac, cult-of-personality, Kim Jong Il-wannabe who’s delivering it:
****** Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Indoctrination Day Address to the nation’s youth, September 8th 2009 ******
President Obama addresses the nation's children, September 8th 2009
President Obama:
Good morning children, my youngest, most precious, and most devoted followers.
You can see me here in the White House, and I can see you too. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you’ve been good. And I know who is listening intently right now, and who’s thinking about the Jonas Brothers. Yes, little Billy Franklin of Davenport, Iowa…caught you again (laughs fatherly). But, that’s okay, you can still grow up to be a Member of Congress, or even my Chief of Staff someday, no matter how much you think about the Jonas Brothers.
I am a forgiving and benevolent Leader.
I am, in fact, The Lightbringer.
As Oprah Winfrey often told your parents via her daily TV yawnfest, I am indeed “The One”. I was sent here from the sky to solve all the world’s problems, lower the oceans, fix all your broken souls, and provide free unicorns to everyone. But, before I do any of this, I must first destroy the American economy, replace its military with a civilian defense force loyal only to me, and convert the mainstream media into my own propaganda machine (laughs some more). That last part is a joke, since I did that like two years ago.
(laughs and laughs again…so pleased with himself)
The reason I am addressing the Obama Youth today is that this will, indeed, be seen as the greatest day of your young lives, since it is the day you are to be activated as the first wave of my Civilian Defense Force. I decided to speak to you today, while at school, so that your parents could not intrude on our discussion. I am a stranger none of you know, someone none of your parents know, who wanted to spend some time alone with young children like this, so of course the media had no problem with this whatsoever. But, I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to you with your parents around. Parents just don’t understand, as my dear friend Will Smith used to rap back in the day, when he was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and I was just a young communist working my way up the Chicago political ladder “community organizing” with domestic terrorists under the umbrella of nefarious organization ACORN.
(laughs some more) Oh, mercy, those were the days!
And I want all of you children to grow up to be just like me, to hate everything that has always made this country special, to work hard to demonize anyone who criticizes you and intimidate and bully all those who will try to stop your radicalism.
I want to teach you the Alinsky Methods that have served me so well.
I want to be the friend, teacher, and deity that the likes of William Ayers, Bernadine Dohrn, Henry Gates, Jeremiah Wright, and my favorite imams have been to me.
I am the Lightbringer. I know better than your parents what’s best for you. Your teachers, those that are still in the room, are cut largely from the same leftist cloth as me, so they will help bring you to me, and help you serve me.
After I conclude my remarks today, your teachers will help you write letters to me, telling me how much you love me, and how much you are going to do to see that I succeed in my dismantling of this nation so that I can rebuild it in my own likeness and image.
I am “The One”, as Oprah insists, and Oprah is a very wise monster indeed.
I need the help of small children because you children have wonderfully sharp ears. You hear the things your parents say that might displease me. You have wonderful little voices that sound so nice on the phone. Your teachers will help you call me whenever your parents say bad things about me. They will help you write down the nasty things your parents say and do, so that letters can be sent to me telling me all about it.
At night, I will send very special friends of mine to visit naughty parents and teach them how they should love me. How all must love me. How all must obey me.
(laughs again) Now, don’t get all wee-weed up out there. If any of you tykes have a problem with this, it’s because you are RAAAACIST! Your teachers will take you straight to the principal’s office and everyone will know what a RAAACIST! you are. Because anyone who ever disagrees with a black person, on anything, in this my Glorious Post-Racial Utopia, must indeed be a RAAACIST! There can be no criticism of me or anything that I do that’s not 100% racially motivated.
Your teachers will instruct you on how best to call your parents RAAACISTS! as well. I direct you to do this when the maximum number of strangers or church members are around…call your parents RAAACISTS! in public and tell everyone the bad things they have said about me, so the whole community can organize to bring your parents to the Light.
My Light.
For I am the Lightbringer, and as of today, you are now all part of my Thousand Upon Thousands Strong Obama Youth Army.
(laughs)
Love the sound of that. Thought it up myself.
I am indeed a talented and inventive Living God.
As Chris Matthews, one of my most favorite pets, and the rest of the media can surely attest.
In coming days, I will continue to issue you new directives, but in closing, I want to reiterate how important it is for you to write lovely essays to me telling me how much you love me and how hard you are going to work to report any of your parents that disagree with me. I also would like glorious crayon drawings of myself running shirtless on the beach or bowing deeply to the King of Saudi Arabia, who is perhaps one of the few people in this world more glorious and dear to my heart than myself.
I am Obama.
I am your President.
I AM YOUR LIGHTBRINGER.
You are dear younglings. You are my treasures. YOU ARE MY ARMY.
Praise be…praise ME…and, now, SING. SING for me. SING ABOUT HOW YOU ALL LOVE AND ADORE ME!
BREAKING NEWS: VAN JONES IS A BIRTHER
UPDATE: Apparently, the above photograph has been doctored, and Van Jones is not a birther. The Hillbuzz team would like to offer our most sincere apologies for wrongly implying that Van Jones is anything but a communist, racist, 911-truther, and supporter of cop-killers.
Email Ray:
snitchellreport@gmail.com
What's Hillary Clinton Doing Today? September 4th, 2009
930am – Meeting with UN Ambassador Susuan Rice
1015am – Meeting of National Security Council
Remainder of the Day: being awesome
*******
In other news, what’s Vice Presient Joe Biden doing today?
1000am – holding a cabinet meeting
Only Joe Biden can convene a successful meeting of the cabinets.
We need to find the best cabinet to keep my Boo Berry in. The last cabinet couldn't stop me from eating all my Boo Berry. That needs to stop. There's a limited supply of all marshmallow monster cereal.
JOBLESSNESS AT 26-YEAR HIGH. UNEMPLOYMENT AT 9.7% (AS HIGH AS 20% IN MAJOR CITIES). WHEN DOES THE HOPE AND CHANGE START?
Unemployment is at a 26 year high
Crime’s on the rise. Food stamp rolls are breaking records. Homelessness is up. Suicides are increasing.
We just want to know…when does all the Hope! and Change! start?
The Glorious Age of Dr. Utopia and His Triumphant Rainbow Unicorn Brigade has been running full force for nine months now. That’s enough time to birth a baby. Should be enough time to deliver on a campaign promise or two.
LIKE FIXING THE DAMN ECONOMY SO PEOPLE AREN’T UNEMPLOYED AND KILLING THEMSELVES.
Instead of f***ing around with healthcare, or prosecuting the CIA, or funneling billions into ACORN and other domestic terrorist organizations, maybe Dr. Utopia should be, we don’t know, DOING HIS DAMN JOB.
He’s sure taken plenty of vacations…made a lot of trips…has speechified a lot with his TelePrompter crutch.
But, when’s he going to get around to doing some of the things he promised — like fixing the economy and creating jobs?
Too busy farting through silk with his fashion icon wife, it looks like. “Pass the beans, we’re living it up in the White House, yo!”
Friday Open Thread, September 4th, 2009
If a grown man you don't know demanded to talk to your children without you present, would you let him?
What’s on your mind this Friday?
If you are a parent, have you called your local school board yet to let the administrators know how you feel about Dr. Utopia’s “Give Me Your Children” Indoctrination Day on September 8th? Are you comfortable with Dr. Utopia having that alone time with your children, when you will not be allowed in the room to monitor what he is doing and what he is saying to them?
Funny…if this was anyone else, demanding to be alone with children he doesn’t know…when their parents aren’t around…the police would haul him off to jail, candy dropping from his pockets, Dateline NBC and Stone Phillips running behind in hot pursuit.
It’s creepy.
Principals, Superintendants, and School Boards need to appreciate that.
LEVI JOHNSTON AGREES TO POSE FOR PLAYGIRL. HAS NO IDEA THE MAGAZINE'S BOUGHT MAINLY BY GAY MEN.
What's Levi Johnston so ashamed of?
This is hilarious on many levels…but Levi Johnston has agreed to pose for Playgirl, but won’t be posing nude. He’ll be in his “skivvies”, which is a word we assume Johnston used, because no one else talks like that. Most people would have said “underwear”, or if they’re like a hundred, “underpants”. But “skivvies”? Please.
The hilarious thing is that:
(1) Johnston has something to be ashamed of, because why the Hell doesn’t he just pose nude (it’s like in a locker room, where some guys keep a wet towel wrapped around them and sneak their underwear on up under it, instead of just dropping the towel and putting the damn underwear on like a normal person…someone who doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of, if you know what we mean)?
(2) Johnston has no idea that gay men buy more Playgirl magazines than women do. It looks like he’s turning down more lucrative offers (in the $25,000-50,000 range) to appear in gay mags and on gay sites. If you’re going to do something like this, why not go for the biggest payday…unless you have a problem with gay men ogling you. Which, they will still be doing in Playgirl.
(3) Johnston probably has a teeny weiner…which is pretty much what we said in (1) above, but (a) we think it’s so funny we can’t stop laughing and (b) maybe we were too subtle before, which we are often accused of being (‘That Levi’s got a baby dick,” as our friend Panda would say).
(4) Like 90% of Playgirl models are gay, or gay for pay. So, Levi’s going to be in interesting company. And he’s not even going to be a centerfold…just a novelty appearance, like a few years ago when the magaine had “The Men of Enron” in an issue.
What we keep coming back to is, if you’re going to make yourself into a joke by posing for Playgirl, why not be a real man and go all the way? If ever that magazine did a “Men of Snark” issue, you better believe we’d full monty it if asked. No hiding behind “skivvies” for any of us (not even Panda).
SUPERINTENDENT OF THE NATION'S 5TH LARGEST SCHOOL DISTRICT TO STUDENTS REGARDING OBAMA ADDRESS: "YOU DON'T GET TO GO OUT IN THE HALL"…."YOU'RE THERE AND YOU'RE SILENT"
Broward Public Schools Superintendent, James Notter, rocking the Ft. Lauderdale tuxedo…..an over-stylized, painfully tight, Ed Hardy T-shirt
————————————————————————————————————————————-
Broward Public Schools is the Fifth largest school district in the country. It is located in SE Florida…the nations capital of… men in their 50′s rocking shirts designed for boys in their teens, silicone implants, barbed-wire arm tattoos, Congresswomen who resemble carrot top, and the states largest concentration of Democrats….
Being that Broward houses the states largest concentration of self-proclaimed “liberals” one would think that tolerance, and open-mindedness would permeate through the school district, and civil disobedience would not only be tolerated, but actually encouraged…..
But, surprisingly, an article in today’s South Florida Sun-Sentinel, points out the opposite, below is a snippet:
In Broward County, students in the public schools won’t have a choice.
Broward Schools Superintendent James Notter wrote in a memo to principals Thursday that students will not be allowed to opt out of viewing Obama’s address. The district has encouraged civics education through programs such as Kids Voting Broward and by watching presidential inaugural addresses, Notter wrote, so letting students skip Obama’s speech “does not align with our practices and responsibility to provide a well-rounded, quality education for all students.”
That doesn’t mean all school activities will cease during Obama’s talk. Notter said schools can record the address and watch it later if the broadcast time conflicts with previously scheduled tests, field trips or other events.
In his opinion, Notter said in an interview, having children listen to the country’s elected leader “is some of the purest of civics education.” Letting them choose whether to not to attend would set a bad precedent, Notter said. He compared it to students who might object to saying the Pledge of Allegiance.
“You don’t get to go out into the hall,” Notter said. “You’re there and you’re silent.”
PERSONAL NOTE: a co-worker of my wife, who has two children attending school in the district, called the school district to confirm, and was told unequivocally, that if his children were not in attendance, they would be punished.
Contact Ray:
snitchellreport@gmail.com
Operation "Hall Pass on That". Demand schools offer alternative for students who do not wish to be brainwashed on September 8th
Demand a hall pass for your children so they don't have to be indoctrinated September 8th
There’s a movement under the Tea Party umbrella to demand schools subjecting children to Dr. Utopia’s brainwashing offer an alternative activity for students who do not wish, or whose parents do not wish, them to site in reverant awe as Dr. Utopia indoctrines them on September 8th.
Arts & Crafts instead…an extra recess period…a study hall to do their homework. Anything. Just as long as schools that are taking time away from education to indoctrine children to “help” and “love” Dr. Utopia provide something else for children to do should they not want to be part of something sick and Orwellian.
If you are a parent, tell your child’s principal you want to “take a hall pass on that”.
UPDATE: Here’s a site tracking Houston school districts’ response to Indoctrination Day.
Here’s a letter Pennsylvania schools outside of Philadelphia sent to parents.
Do parents still have "Round Robin" calling lists? If so, all parents should make sure their peers know what Dr. Utopia wants to do to their children next week
Parents — do they still use “Round Robin” calling lists for the other parents in your children’s classes? When we were kids, and in school, our parents got a list of all the other parents in a class, so that if anything happened and they needed to get in touch with one another, the parents would be able to call each other. These days, we assume this is all done via email, instead of picking up the rotary phones and dialing all those numbers.
Parents should make sure that all their peers know about what Dr. Utopia wants to do to their children on September 8th.
Sometimes, those of us who follow politics closely forget that most Americans rarely catch what’s going on in the news.
A lot of them might not know what the White House is trying to do next week — so it would be smart if parents made sure every child in a school is protected from Dr. Utopia’s indoctrination as much as possible. If parents don’t know what the White House is up to, they can’t contact the principals and demand protection for these children.
Sounds like round robins are in order.
*****
And, here’s a good question parents should be asking: if what Dr. Utopia has to say is so important, why can’t the text of his speech be made available this week so that parents can decide if it is appropriate content for their children? We know Dr. Utopia is not going to wing it, and that his remarks will be carefully crafted ahead of time. Indoctrination is an art form, and the subtleties and complexities of it can’t be thought up spur of the moment. Dr. Utopia, Rahm Emanuel, and his speech writers surely have this all set up already.
So, why the secrecy?
Why can’t parents know ahead of time what Dr. Utopia will ask their children to do?
Would you let a stranger address your children when you weren’t around — no matter who he is?
What's Hillary Clinton Doing Today? September 3rd, 2009
1015am – Meeting with George Mitchell, Special Envoy for Middle East Peace
1230pm – Meeting with Honduran President
430pm – Meeting with National Security Advisor James Jones
Remainder of the Day: Being awesome
******
In other news, what’s Energy Secretary Stephen Chu doing today?
12noon – working hard to destroy the American coal industry, as ordered by Dr. Utopia
100pm – still trying to figure out whether or not he or his department sets US oil policy
200pm – wasting $300 million to put 9,000 “fuel efficient vehicles” on the road by a nebulous date in the future (that works out to over $33,000 per vehicle…which is no bargain)
300pm – still trying to get his ice cream cone back from Joe Biden
My ice cream is missing. I had it in my hand like this. Then, I breakfasted with Biden and now my ice cream is gone. As a scientist, I speculate these two observations are indeed related. Joe Biden stole my ice cream.
