Archive for September 4th, 2009
BREAKING: WHITE HOUSE RELEASES PRESIDENT'S SEPTEMBER 8th ADDRESS TO SCHOOL CHILDREN. TOP SECRET ADVANCE COPY.
Someone we know from Chicago, who works in the White House now, just leaked us this advance copy of the upcoming address Dr. Utopia’s going to make to school children on September 8th. Personally, we’re surprised it’s so subtle and understated, considering the egomaniac, cult-of-personality, Kim Jong Il-wannabe who’s delivering it:
****** Transcript of President Barack Obama’s Indoctrination Day Address to the nation’s youth, September 8th 2009 ******
President Obama addresses the nation's children, September 8th 2009
President Obama:
Good morning children, my youngest, most precious, and most devoted followers.
You can see me here in the White House, and I can see you too. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you’ve been good. And I know who is listening intently right now, and who’s thinking about the Jonas Brothers. Yes, little Billy Franklin of Davenport, Iowa…caught you again (laughs fatherly). But, that’s okay, you can still grow up to be a Member of Congress, or even my Chief of Staff someday, no matter how much you think about the Jonas Brothers.
I am a forgiving and benevolent Leader.
I am, in fact, The Lightbringer.
As Oprah Winfrey often told your parents via her daily TV yawnfest, I am indeed “The One”. I was sent here from the sky to solve all the world’s problems, lower the oceans, fix all your broken souls, and provide free unicorns to everyone. But, before I do any of this, I must first destroy the American economy, replace its military with a civilian defense force loyal only to me, and convert the mainstream media into my own propaganda machine (laughs some more). That last part is a joke, since I did that like two years ago.
(laughs and laughs again…so pleased with himself)
The reason I am addressing the Obama Youth today is that this will, indeed, be seen as the greatest day of your young lives, since it is the day you are to be activated as the first wave of my Civilian Defense Force. I decided to speak to you today, while at school, so that your parents could not intrude on our discussion. I am a stranger none of you know, someone none of your parents know, who wanted to spend some time alone with young children like this, so of course the media had no problem with this whatsoever. But, I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to you with your parents around. Parents just don’t understand, as my dear friend Will Smith used to rap back in the day, when he was the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and I was just a young communist working my way up the Chicago political ladder “community organizing” with domestic terrorists under the umbrella of nefarious organization ACORN.
(laughs some more) Oh, mercy, those were the days!
And I want all of you children to grow up to be just like me, to hate everything that has always made this country special, to work hard to demonize anyone who criticizes you and intimidate and bully all those who will try to stop your radicalism.
I want to teach you the Alinsky Methods that have served me so well.
I want to be the friend, teacher, and deity that the likes of William Ayers, Bernadine Dohrn, Henry Gates, Jeremiah Wright, and my favorite imams have been to me.
I am the Lightbringer. I know better than your parents what’s best for you. Your teachers, those that are still in the room, are cut largely from the same leftist cloth as me, so they will help bring you to me, and help you serve me.
After I conclude my remarks today, your teachers will help you write letters to me, telling me how much you love me, and how much you are going to do to see that I succeed in my dismantling of this nation so that I can rebuild it in my own likeness and image.
I am “The One”, as Oprah insists, and Oprah is a very wise monster indeed.
I need the help of small children because you children have wonderfully sharp ears. You hear the things your parents say that might displease me. You have wonderful little voices that sound so nice on the phone. Your teachers will help you call me whenever your parents say bad things about me. They will help you write down the nasty things your parents say and do, so that letters can be sent to me telling me all about it.
At night, I will send very special friends of mine to visit naughty parents and teach them how they should love me. How all must love me. How all must obey me.
(laughs again) Now, don’t get all wee-weed up out there. If any of you tykes have a problem with this, it’s because you are RAAAACIST! Your teachers will take you straight to the principal’s office and everyone will know what a RAAACIST! you are. Because anyone who ever disagrees with a black person, on anything, in this my Glorious Post-Racial Utopia, must indeed be a RAAACIST! There can be no criticism of me or anything that I do that’s not 100% racially motivated.
Your teachers will instruct you on how best to call your parents RAAACISTS! as well. I direct you to do this when the maximum number of strangers or church members are around…call your parents RAAACISTS! in public and tell everyone the bad things they have said about me, so the whole community can organize to bring your parents to the Light.
My Light.
For I am the Lightbringer, and as of today, you are now all part of my Thousand Upon Thousands Strong Obama Youth Army.
(laughs)
Love the sound of that. Thought it up myself.
I am indeed a talented and inventive Living God.
As Chris Matthews, one of my most favorite pets, and the rest of the media can surely attest.
In coming days, I will continue to issue you new directives, but in closing, I want to reiterate how important it is for you to write lovely essays to me telling me how much you love me and how hard you are going to work to report any of your parents that disagree with me. I also would like glorious crayon drawings of myself running shirtless on the beach or bowing deeply to the King of Saudi Arabia, who is perhaps one of the few people in this world more glorious and dear to my heart than myself.
I am Obama.
I am your President.
I AM YOUR LIGHTBRINGER.
You are dear younglings. You are my treasures. YOU ARE MY ARMY.
Praise be…praise ME…and, now, SING. SING for me. SING ABOUT HOW YOU ALL LOVE AND ADORE ME!
BREAKING NEWS: VAN JONES IS A BIRTHER
UPDATE: Apparently, the above photograph has been doctored, and Van Jones is not a birther. The Hillbuzz team would like to offer our most sincere apologies for wrongly implying that Van Jones is anything but a communist, racist, 911-truther, and supporter of cop-killers.
Email Ray:
snitchellreport@gmail.com
What's Hillary Clinton Doing Today? September 4th, 2009
930am – Meeting with UN Ambassador Susuan Rice
1015am – Meeting of National Security Council
Remainder of the Day: being awesome
*******
In other news, what’s Vice Presient Joe Biden doing today?
1000am – holding a cabinet meeting
Only Joe Biden can convene a successful meeting of the cabinets.
We need to find the best cabinet to keep my Boo Berry in. The last cabinet couldn't stop me from eating all my Boo Berry. That needs to stop. There's a limited supply of all marshmallow monster cereal.
JOBLESSNESS AT 26-YEAR HIGH. UNEMPLOYMENT AT 9.7% (AS HIGH AS 20% IN MAJOR CITIES). WHEN DOES THE HOPE AND CHANGE START?
Unemployment is at a 26 year high
Crime’s on the rise. Food stamp rolls are breaking records. Homelessness is up. Suicides are increasing.
We just want to know…when does all the Hope! and Change! start?
The Glorious Age of Dr. Utopia and His Triumphant Rainbow Unicorn Brigade has been running full force for nine months now. That’s enough time to birth a baby. Should be enough time to deliver on a campaign promise or two.
LIKE FIXING THE DAMN ECONOMY SO PEOPLE AREN’T UNEMPLOYED AND KILLING THEMSELVES.
Instead of f***ing around with healthcare, or prosecuting the CIA, or funneling billions into ACORN and other domestic terrorist organizations, maybe Dr. Utopia should be, we don’t know, DOING HIS DAMN JOB.
He’s sure taken plenty of vacations…made a lot of trips…has speechified a lot with his TelePrompter crutch.
But, when’s he going to get around to doing some of the things he promised — like fixing the economy and creating jobs?
Too busy farting through silk with his fashion icon wife, it looks like. “Pass the beans, we’re living it up in the White House, yo!”
Friday Open Thread, September 4th, 2009
If a grown man you don't know demanded to talk to your children without you present, would you let him?
What’s on your mind this Friday?
If you are a parent, have you called your local school board yet to let the administrators know how you feel about Dr. Utopia’s “Give Me Your Children” Indoctrination Day on September 8th? Are you comfortable with Dr. Utopia having that alone time with your children, when you will not be allowed in the room to monitor what he is doing and what he is saying to them?
Funny…if this was anyone else, demanding to be alone with children he doesn’t know…when their parents aren’t around…the police would haul him off to jail, candy dropping from his pockets, Dateline NBC and Stone Phillips running behind in hot pursuit.
It’s creepy.
Principals, Superintendants, and School Boards need to appreciate that.
