Archive for January, 2009
Obama-Brand Heroin For Sale in New York
Hope! Change! Heroin!
They’re calling it “The Audacity of Dope”, while we think it’s all cutting a little too close to home for the comfort of those in the Kool-Aid Gang.
Sort of like Liza Minnelli coming out with her own line of vodka (Liquid Liza!).
Or Oprah marketing the most-calorie-packed, fattening marshmallows ever invented (Marsh-mo-prahs!).
Police in upstate New York have started seizing heroin stamped with the Obama brand, appealing to his followers who want to get high while toking on hopium (and not bothering to pick up their own litter, like they did in Washington on Wednesday).
We thought his followers would start demanding his name and face on our national currency (“Who was Alexander Hamilton anyway? It’s racist not to put Obama on the ten dollar bill! Benjamen Franklin was a lousy president — the hundred should be “The Obama”!”) — we never dreamed they’d stamp his brand on heroin.
Sure explains a lot, though.
Sarah Palin's 2009 State of the State Address to Alaska
Never in our lives did we expect to become so interested in Alaska. Never did we think we’d support a Republican as much as we do Sarah Palin. These are strange and exhilirating times, indeed.
Here’s the text of Sarah Palin’s 2009 State of the State Address to the people of Alaska. Like the rest of the country, Alaska faces serious troubles in the coming year. But, working together, Alaskans will overcome all challenges and thrive as they always do, following a strong and determined leader whose common sense and practicality won her a permanent place in our hearts — in our proudly Democratic hearts, which remains just another of the remarkable feats Palin’s pulled off.
In your face, Princess Caroline
This is an excellent choice for the people of New York — and for Paterson’s own election chances in 2010. Gillibrand’s appeal to moderates, independents, and crossover Republicans will combine with the liberals Paterson and Chuck Schumer will already bring to the polls in 2010, electing all three of them to new terms.
It’s a smart strategic move that wins Paterson much gratitude from us. Not that he cares, we’re sure, but we’re proud of his decision — and delighted he told HRH Princess Caroline of Kennedy to, essentially, take a flying leap.
A good woman who’s a longtime staunch Hillary Clinton supporter is going to the Senate — while Princess goes back to whatever it was she did all day before suddenly deciding she wanted to, like, you know, be a Senator, and stuff.
Today’s starting off pretty well…celebrating a victory for common sense and democracy over entitlement and royal privilege.
Congratulations Senator Gillibrand!
Today in History: January 23rd (Year One, Day Four in the Golden Age of Obama)
393 – Roman Emperor Theodosius I proclaims his nine year old son Honorius co-emperor
971 – War elephant corps of the Southern Han defeated by Song Dynasty, ending regular use of elephant troops
1368 – Emperor Zhu Yuanzhang ascends throne as Hongwu Emperor, beginning 300 years of Ming Dynasty
1510 – Henry VIII jousts incognito in the lists at Richmond
1533 – Anne Boleyn, second wife of Henry VIII, discovers she’s pregnant
1556 – Deadliest earthquake in history hits Shaanxi province, China: death toll as high as 830,000
1570 – Regent James Stewart assassinated, starting Scottish civil war
1719 – Principality of Lichtenstein created in Holy Roman Empire
1789 – Georgetown College founded in Washington, DC
1849 – Elizabeth Blackwell becomes first female doctor in the United States
1855 – First bridge opens over the Mississippi River
1897 – Elva Zona Heaster found dead in Greenbrer County, West Virgina. Her husband is tried for murder, in the only case in US history where the alleged testimony by a ghost helps secure a conviction.
1907 – Charles Curtis of Kansas is first Native American Senator
1941 – Charles Lindbergh testifies before Congress and recommends the US negotiate a neutrality pact with Nazi Germany
1943 – Turning point in Pacific War: Australian and American forced defeat Japanese in Papua, ending Japanese aggression in the Pacific
1950 – Knesset declares Jerusalem capital of Israel
1964 – 24th Amendment passed: prohibits use of poll taxes in national elections
1968 – North Korea seizes the USS Pueblo, claiming it was spying in territorial waters
1973 – President Nixon announces Vietnam peace accord
1978 – Sweden is first nation to ban aerosol sprays to protect ozone layer
1985 – OJ Simpson is first Heisman trophy winner elected to Football Hall of Fame
1986 – Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio inducts first class: Chuck Berry, James Brown, Ray Charles, Fats Domino, Everly Brothers, Buddy Holly, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley
1997 – Madeleine Albright becomes the first female United States Secretary of State
2002 – “American Taliban”, John Walker Lindh, returns to the US in FBI custody
2002 – Reporter Daniel Pearl kidnapped in Karachi, Pakistan
2003 – Final communication between Earth and Pioneer 10
2009 – Kirsten Gillibrand named as Hillary Clinton’s replacement in the United States Senate — a great choice by New York Governor David Paterson, and a victory over entitlement and delusional royal privilege, to be sure.
BREAKING NEWS: Princess Caroline asks not to be considered for Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, or Best Picture
The Academy Award nominations were released today, and moments before the announcement HRH Princess Caroline of Kennedy humbly withdrew her name from consideration for any of the major awards.
“I informed Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president Sid Ganis that, for personal reasons, I am withdrawing my name from consideration for Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, or Best Picture,” the 51-year-old Camelot daughter said.
“I will also not accept Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Score, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Foreign Film, or Best Animated Film,” Princess Caroline clarified.
“For family reasons, I have not yet decided on whether or not I wish to be considered for Best Original Song, Best Costume, or the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. As the daughter of a former president and my mother, an international fashion icon of understated grace and dignity, I feel all of these awards do rightfully belong to me, this or any year, but my family comes first, and for personal reasons after my uncle had convulsions the other day, I wish no longer to be considered for most of these awards.
“I do, however, reserve the right to demand any of them again in the future, as is my prerogative as the last surviving member of Camelot,” Princess Caroline concluded.
Academy president Ganis could not be reached for comment, but staffers noted Princess Caroline was not qualified for any of the awards to begin with, noting she was never under serious consideration for any of them, regardless of her magnanimous withdrawal early this morning.
Why can't rich people pay their taxes and obey employment law?
Today, HRH Princess Caroline of Kennedy has thrown everyone from Manhattan to Hyannis Port into a tizzy, for blaming her uncle’s Inauguration Day seizure for “dropping out” of her quest to fill Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat, once she accepted the fact she was never going to be picked.
Uncle Ted, however, doesn’t like being blamed for this fiasco, so now the story today is that Princess Caroline either has tax evasion problems (stemming from her $100 million fortune, some of which she grubbed by selling her mother’s old throw pillows and house slippers in a shameless auction a year or so after her death) or has kept illegal immigrants in one of her palatial residences without proper employment documents or providing them with health insurance.
Why can’t rich people, especially those who claim they are American royalty, just pay their damn taxes?
Why can’t rich people hire only workers who have proper employment eligibility documentation, and why can’t they give them basic human considerations like health insurance?
Especially when the rich people in question are, you know, daughters of a former president and nieces of a Senator who claims he’s been a champion of healthcare and aid to the poor “for decades” (in which we’ve made no real progress for either, despite all his red-faced occasionally sober bluster).
The Kennedy family proved years ago they don’t believe any rules, or moral standards, apply to them, but it’s embarrassingly easy to verify anyone’s employment eligibility these days. If the Kennedys want to help illegal immigrants gain citizenship, that’s commendable — surely Ted Kennedy’s niece could get a housekeeper or nanny fast-tracked to a Green Card if she wanted to help a deserving person start a new life in this great nation.
Surely Princess Caroline could have given those on her presumably large and beleaguered staff the ability to see a doctor and dentist so they are always in tip-top shape and fully able to carry out all of Princess’ whims night and day. It’s not only the right thing to do, but it guarantees all her servants are best able to cater to her, so it’s self-serving in the end, which appears to be the best way to get through to Princess.
There are plenty of people in New York City who needs jobs and have the paperwork in order to qualify for them. There are also many who need work and don’t have their proper affairs in order — those are the people Princess could have made a few calls for, to help them navigate what can be a daunting and hard to understand system. Isn’t Princess supposed to be a lawyer, or an author on the Constitution, or something?
Instead of doing any of that, today it looks like she just decided to pay her servants cash under the table, or maybe the change from the Grover Clevelands she breaks at Pastis for lunch, before heading back to Bergdorf’s to try on more shoes until the store closes and she demands everyone stays until she’s done having fun (loves recreating that shopping montage from Pretty Woman, this one does).
You know?
Payback is a bitch, Princess.
Hope! Change! A New Kind of Politics!
Why couldn't any of Obama's followers pick up any of the mess they made?
Wasn’t this supposed to be “the greenest Inauguration ever”, organized by people who like to talk about “personal responsibility”, “change”, and other platitudes?
Our favorite part of this peek into the barren wasteland left in the wake of Obamapalooza is the Kool-Aid kid near the end who masters the obvious and notes, “That’s a lot of litter.”
Not that she helps pick any of it up or anything.
But, she’s probably wearing Obama socks and O-logo-ed undies.
Hope!
Change!
Hypocrisy!
Secretary of State Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton takes over the State Department today
Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was sworn-in as the 67th United States Secretary of State yesterday, taking over the State Department today.
And not a moment too soon!
Secretary Clinton begins her tenure calling for thoughtful use of “Smart Power” throughout the world, and HillBuzz begins a new chapter covering, as best we can, the major challenges the most powerful woman on Earth will face abroad when the world needs her most.
If anyone can meet these challenges head on, Hillary Clinton can. And we are rooting for her all the way!
First Lady Wilhelmina Slater, NOT Wilma Flintstone
We’ve finally figured out what went wrong with Michelle Obama’s hideous Jason Wu recycled coffee filter Inaugural gown. Someone told him, “Think Wilhelmina Slater“, and Mary heard “Wilma Flintstone” instead. And then he whipped that abomination up in the dark, and Michelle wore it to punish herself.
In a world where Vanessa Williams looks fabulous week in and week out on TV’s Ugly Betty, there’s no excuse for our new First Lady to wear such truly ugly clothes now that she’s the official White House hostess.
We demand better from her.
She wanted the job, and now Michelle needs to step things up.
She could have looked STUNNING last night, in any of the gowns Vanessa Williams rocks with ease on TV and the red carpet. Like this one:
Michelle would have been gorgeous in something like this — an understated flattering golden yellow with just a little bit of black to tie into her husband’s tux. This is a dress that could have proudly hung in the Smithsonian for all time, making Michelle a true fashion icon. Instead of what she actually wore, which was this:
And for the swearing in ceremony, instead of all the bedazzling and rock crystal evening wear, she should have worn something more appropriate for a daytime ceremony (that was not a cocktail party), and could have done it while still wearing something yellow and distinctive. Like this:
Instead of this:
There are so many great looks for Michelle featured on Ugly Betty, as worn by Vanessa Williams (a woman close to Michelle’s age, who can pull off the sort of fashion-forward style Michelle wants to incorporate, but doesn’t come close to successfully realizing).
How cool would it be to have a real life Wilhelmina Slater as First Lady? We’d sure forgive a lot of that scowl and bad attitude if she stepped out of the White House every day looking polished and stunning.
If they somehow manage to pull this off on TV, and so many celebrities adore the Obamas, then why can’t Vanessa Williams step in to put an end to the fashion emergencies we’ve seen three days straight from Michelle now?
She could be a truly beautiful and memorable First Lady — and we really want her to succeed — so she needs to stop wearing dresses fashioned from curtains and coffee filters made by men who’ve previously designed exclusively for transexuals and drag queens.
If we had the chance to dress her, we’d put a lot of Wilhelmina into what she wore, with lots of leopard prints, with yellow and purple as her two signature, complementary colors.
Nancy Reagan had red.
Barbara Bush had blue.
Laura Bush had cream.
Jackie Kennedy had pink.
Michelle Obama could OWN leopard, yellow, and purple.
And she’d look FABULOUS.
There is truly nothing in the world we want more than that. We do not like Michelle on a personal level because of encounters we’ve had with her in Chicago, but want the woman to look gorgeous to make us all proud. If people who don’t even like you want to help you dress better and are pulling for you to step it up, maybe you should listen.
Don't cry for her, David Paterson. It's official: Princess Caroline no longer interested in Senate seat (because she wasn't going to get it)
BREAKING NEWS: HRH Princess Caroline of Kennedy has issued an official proclamation, expertly drawn on salted parchment in swirling calligraphy and hand delivered to Governor David Paterson in Albany by velvet gloved paiges, informing the Governor Her Royal Highness is no longer interested in being a United States Senator.
Scented with pomegranate and jasmine, tied up in horsehair ribbons and macaroni, the royal proclamation reads:
Dear Governor Paterson,
It won’t be easy. You’ll think it strange, when I try to explain how I feel, that I still need your love after all that I’ve done to embarrass myself.
You won’t believe me.
All you will see is the girl you once knew, her face cracked and covered with lines, remembering ponies and sparkles long faded away.
I had to let it happen, for hope and change. I couldn’t stay all my life down at Bergdorf’s, looking out of the windows, afraid of the sun.
So, I chose boredom.
Running around, trying on all the shoes. But nothing impressed me at all. I never expected it to.
Don’t cry for me Governor Paterson.
The truth is, I embarrassed you. All through my campaign days. My mad existence. I kept no promises. Now keep your distance.
Because, as for fortune, and as for fame, you know I invited them in.
Rightly, it seemed to the world they were all I desired.
I am an illusion.
I have no solutions and promise to drag down your ticket in time.
I love me, and hoped you’d love me too.
Don’t cry for me Governor Paterson.
Have I said too much?
Yes.
And there’s nothing more I can say to you. But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true.
Yours in slothful dilettantism,
HRH Princess Caroline of Kennedy
