HillBuzz

Authorities in Columbus, Ohio made a gruesome discovery last week in the offices of the Ohio Department of Job and Family services.

Disgraced Obama operative Helen Jones-Kelley has resigned, as shocking details emerge of a well-organized house of horrors under her direction.

For months, if not years, Jones-Kelley administered the most cruelly efficient pelt processing operation spotted since London authorities busted the fashion house of De Vil back in 1956. Tipsters believe in addition to illegally using state government computer systems to attack Joe ”the plumber” Wurzelbacher in October (as she perceived him to be a threat to Obama’s candidacy), Jones-Kelley also misappropriated state resources in a relentless pursuit of bougie fashion, transforming the basement of the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services into her own personal Department of Muppet Skinning, Pelt Processing, and Fabulous Making.

Muppets were caught in the wild by either Jones-Kelley personally, or on her order by various subordinate minions. The woods surrounding both Chagrin Falls and North Olmsted, Ohio are ripe with muppets, as Jones-Kelley knows, with another sizable population on the outskirts of Mineral City, Ohio (where, of course, they are attracted by the many aquaculture farms found there). Once caught, bagged, and gutted, the muppets were brought to Jones-Kelley’s work room, where state employees under her direction removed the pelts, hung the muppets to dry for a period of one to two weeks, and then cut them into patterns for the most bougie periwinkle felt suits and jackets imaginable.

The process, over time, was simplified and streamlined with master tactician efficiency: 

Click photo to embiggen

 The wide ethnic variety of Ohio muppets afforded Jones-Kelley a rainbow of bougie felt options, to don whenever illegally abusing her Director’s authority to turn state goverment computer records into her own personal enemies’ list. When not digging up dirt on innocent Ohio citizens she felt threatened Obama’s candidacy, Jones-Kelley could also be found farting loudly in the second floor breakroom, before heading back down to her basement house of horrors to inspect the muppret-a-porter monstrosities waiting for tailoring and her final approval.

While periwinkle remained her signature color, Jones-Kelley hunted muppets in all shades, to maximize the rainbow of fabulous felt in her closet of horrors

We can only hope they didn't suffer.

Every closet, cabinet, and file drawer in the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services’ basement was crammed with discarded muppet parts, which Jones-Kelley chummed into bait to lure fresh muppets from their hiding places in the woods, whenever her staff would take breaks from invading the privacy of Ohio citizens to organize hunting parties for more felt pelts.

 In addition to muppets, Jones-Kelley and minions hunted Fraggles for their sparkling diamond teeth and Smurfs for their delicate, polishable bones (in which Jones-Kelley set the Fraggle teeth, to create bodacious bling).

Ohio Governor Ted Strickland requested Jones-Kelley’s resignation after a month in which Jones-Kelley was suspended without pay, and authorities discovered the house of horrors she had built in the basement. While her whereabouts at the moment are unknown, muppets in Ohio and the bordering states of the midwest sleep easier  in their woods tonight, now that Ohio’s most efficient and bougie muppet pelt sweat shop is closed for good.

Meanwhile, Ohioans of all stripes (and pelts) are still waiting for Governor Strickland to assuage their fears and explain how someone like Jones-Kelley could abuse her authority and access official state records to settle political scores as a partisan Obama operative.

What she did to Joe “the plumber” Wurzelbacher is as bad as, if not worse than, what she did to those hundreds upon thousands of poor defenseless muppets.