VIA the extremely talented Riverdaughter

(H/t, LadyBoomerNYC, who very kindly gave me the inspiration for this one.)THE SCENE: BILL and HILLARY CLINTON’S bedroom at 3:00 a.m. It’s warm, welcoming and done in classic American Country style. Photos of friends and family cover every surface, and their various awards and commendations hang on the walls. BILL and HILLARY are asleep in bed. Both are wearing her black t-shirt with the white writing and pantsuit picture on it. Next to each CLINTON is a bedside table with a red phone on it. The phone is modern, with caller ID.

The red phone next to HILLARY’s side rings. Both CLINTONS sit up in bed immediately.

BILL: Yours, or mine?

HILLARY: Mine. (checks the caller ID) Oh, well well well. It’s DNC Headquarters in Chicago.

BILL (grinning devilishly): Heh. I’ve been waiting for this one. Put it on speaker, honey.

(HILLARY picks up the phone and hits the speaker button.)

HILLARY: Hello?

BARACK OBAMA (on the phone): Hey there, Hillary. Sorry to call you so late, but I’ve had a really hard time getting you on your cell lately.

HILLARY (rolling her eyes at Bill): Uh-huh. Gosh, sorry about that, Barack, but I’ve been busy trying to stop President Bush’s latest outrageous blow against contraception and choice. I figured since you didn’t pick me for Vice President, and I’ve already said my piece about Sarah Palin, our business together was concluded until after the election.

BARACK (uncomfortably): Well, um, uh, see, I think I, uh, still need your help.

HILLARY (leaning back into her pillow, starting to enjoy herself): Oh, really?

BARACK (even more uncomfortably): Yeah. Uh, see, it looks like Palin’s not the cream puff I thought she was. We went after her with everything we had for six days, and she just came out smelling like a rose. The conservative base loves her, and – and – she was MEAN to me, Hillary! (He is barely suppressing tears of frustration)

HILLARY (with malicious pleasure): All true, Barack. So, what do you want ME to do about it?

BARACK (suddenly angry): I want you to STOP HER! I want you to go out there and take that mooseburger eatin’, rifle-shootin’, baby-makin’ FEMALE DOWN!!!

(A slight pause. Then, HILLARY begins laughing. She laughs for a long time.)

HILLARY (finally calming down): Why in God’s name would I do that for you, Barack? What possible benefit would there be to me? Here’s an idea: Do it yourself. And stop calling me!

BARACK (to the others in the room): Guys, she said no. I told you she would! NOW what do I do?